After the spiral.
On what it's like to come down from an emotional and mental spiral.
Before the spiral.
Mixed episode of mania and depression. I was so amped one day and wanted to cut my hair so badly, but I promised my sister I’d let her grow my hair out while I’m here in Ohio. I’d also been thinking about getting my septum pierced incessantly for a while , so I decided to get it done.
On a Wednesday afternoon, I called around to local tattoo shops to see if they were open, but no one was answering. Since two of the places were less than three miles away, I decided to just drop by to see which ones were open and available.
The second shop I visited had an opening with a short wait. I ended up getting BOTH my nostrils re-opened as well as my septum newly pierced one after the other. I felt the rush of it all afternoon, and by rush, I mean feeling like I got punched in the nose.
By that evening, I was back to being depressed. Drowning in grief. Tripping over stress. I felt a breakdown coming.
During the spiral.
The day that I drove downtown and filed my application for child support, I was filled with anxiety, guilt, and nausea. I felt physically ill. Up until that point, my coparent and I had been able to figure out our shit on our own, but I was exhausted. Even though I was justified, I still felt terrible about filing. I even sought validation from my group chat as a reminder of why I was even at the point of filing in the first place.
The very next day, I find out he is on vacation. The spiral begins.
My thoughts race. “Is this mothafucka really in another country, living it up, but hasn’t responded to my email about financial support in three weeks? While I’m at home feeling guilty over having to file?! Wow, he can go on his second vacation in six months but can’t see or speak to his daughter regularly?!”
I decide THIS time, I’m not spiraling alone. “Oh no, if I’m going to sit here and be fucked up, so is he.” I decide I’m going to let him know that I filed. He responds right away. “Wow. Can’t this mothafucka respond to an email or text for three weeks, but he responds right off the bat while on vacation when I mention court.” He accuses me of filing maliciously and of being evil. He in concerned for his investments. He mistrusts my need for more money. He is convinced this is all because he simply went on vacation.
We exchange words. Many words. I continue to stew. I don’t sleep. We argue about money, custody, his actions, and my feelings. Throughout this time, I have been updating chats and Instagram close friends' stories. I am talking to myself out loud. I am pacing. I am crying. And I am still mothering.
I then go in planning mode. I decide that even though I tell him he can have my daughter full-time to avoid paying child support, I realize that’s not what’s best. I’m gathering my screenshots, pooling together emails. He is blocked from all of my social media, but he once showed me his girlfriend’s handle, so I checked her social to gather evidence of his ability to vacation, and I am gobsmacked by a video of her bragging about not knowing how much the trip she was on cost, with Teiarra Mari’s “Sponsor” playing in the background.
I lose it. “I am literally arguing with this man over needing money for his child, and she posts this?! The fucking nerve! I can’t get $150 for groceries, but this chick can get a sponsored trip?!” I like the video to let her know I’ve seen it. I text him to let him know I’ve seen it and admonish him for his audacity. This entire time, I’m still posting on my close friends, Threads, and chats.
Over the next day or two, we exchange texts. More texts than we have in the six months our daughter has primarily lived with me. He’s responding in record time. Part of me feels good knowing this is cutting into his vacation. I get mean. He gets mean. He says things that hurt me. I spiral further. I intentionally say hurtful shit. He gets hurt. I continue to say hurtful shit, wanting him to hurt. “I’m not spiraling alone, not this time.”
Throughout this time, I continued to be a mother to my child and an employee at my job. I eventually take a half-day off and an extra work-from-home day. I don’t want to be actively spiraling in the office.
After the spiral.
I spent this past weekend feeling so many things. Depression. Guilt. Shame. Fatigue. Defeated. Embarrassment. The crash after a hypomanic spiral is deep and exhausting. While I feel I was justified in my anger and rage, I don’t feel I handled it the best. I needed someone to take my phone, but there was no one here to do so. I quietly deleted or archived what I could. This was definitely something that should’ve stayed in the group chats. I even apologized to my daughter’s father for some of the hurtful things I said.
I’m still coming down from the spiral. It takes me a while to get over things. This rift consumed me and hurt me deeply. These thoughts have crowded my mind, making it difficult to get through my day, but I did it. I hate getting to this place, and he is the only person in my life who can still get me there. I no longer want to allow that. I can no longer allow it. Unsurprisingly, he is ready to talk and get into planning mode outside the courts. I, on the other hand, need time. I cannot currently go into a phone conversation with him level-headed to have a productive and conflict-free conversation. I’m too emotionally wounded.
How do you emotionally heal and repair from the damage someone has caused you when they continue to cause the damage despite your best efforts, and you’re forced to continue to interact? He is adamant that he will do and be better. But I am not convinced. We’ve been here before.
Currently.
Book Progress — I’m going to spend time this week putting the finishing touches on my next draft for my proposal before it goes for a final edit!
Feeling — Despondent.
Reading — Better: A Memoir About Wanting to Die x Arianna Rebolini.
Anticipating — I will be anticipating my birthday until it arrives. I’m so ready to see my loves and be surrounded by love.
Contemplating — How to stop letting this nigga drive me crazy.
Affirming — This nigga will not drive me crazy.
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I’m really sorry to hear this. I read every word and I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you 💚🫂
I am sending you a very tight virtual hug!! 🤍