"By The Time You Read This," a sad review.
On the story I wish Cheslie Kryst told about her silent struggle with mental illness before her death.
*Content warning: talks of suicide, mental illness, feelings of despair.”
A couple of weeks ago I was scrolling on Instagram and saw a promotional post for “By The Time You Read This,” a memoir by the late Cheslie Kryst, former Miss USA, who died by suicide. After reading the tag lines “the space between Cheslie’s smile and mental illness” and “her story in her own words,” and the description of the book I added it to my bookshelf wishlist and made a request for it in my IG stories. Thankfully, it was purchased pretty quickly after I posted and I received it the very next day.
Cheslie’s was just one of many high-profile celebrity cases of suicide that rocked me, especially at a time when my own mental health was on a rapid decline. She was a beautiful, highly educated, pageant queen who had a dream job and seemingly dream life. But inside, as she later revealed before her death, she was bearing the “crushing weight of persistent sadness, hopelessness, and loneliness…” When I learned that her memoir was the result of a manuscript she finished right before her death, I mentally prepared myself to read stories that mirrored my own silent lifelong internal struggle with mental illness and to possibly feel triggered or down. After I finished the book, I was left feeling sad for an entirely different reason than I originally thought I would.
Until her mother's addition in the last few chapters, the book is a memoir of Cheslie’s time in her law and pageant careers; telling the beautiful story of a woman who persevered, accomplished her goals, and seemingly found success and happiness. I struggle with being critical of this book for obvious reasons, and my critique and sadness are more about the marketing than the actual book. The marketing, title, and description all lead you to believe you will somehow come away from this book knowing a little bit more about Cheslie's hidden struggles in her own words and that is simply not the case.
The story I wish she told:
Cheslie’s words were beautiful, and parts of her story were inspirational, but I think it was disingenuous to lead readers to believe we’d get a glimpse into her internal struggle. After leaving a review of my own, I browsed Goodreads reviews to see if I was the only person feeling this way about the highly-rated book. It is not until we read part of Cheslie’s final text to her mom that we see in her words just how much she struggled.
“I wish I could stay with you but I cannot bear the crushing weight of persistent sadness, hopelessness, and loneliness any longer. I’ve never told you these feelings because I’ve never wanted you to worry and because I hoped they would eventually change but I know they never will. They follow me through every accomplishment, success, family gathering, friendly dinner, and they are loudest during my failures, setbacks, and heartbreak. I’ve cried so hard my face has swollen and my teeth ache. I cry almost every day now like I’m in mourning. I’ve wished for death for years and I know you would want to know and want to help but I haven’t wanted to share this weight with anyone.
I no longer feel like I have any purpose in life. I don’t know if I ever really did. I don’t know what tomorrow or next month or a year from now holds but I don’t believe it will provide me any advancement or happiness.”
After reading this text and the end of the book, I felt so sad for Cheslie. So sad for the version of me who was like her, and all those who are currently where she was. I felt sad because the story she told showcased how many of us live our lives, outwardly progressing, succeeding, and achieving, but internally drowning in despair without mentioning it. I only wish she told someone the story of her struggle while she was here.
The struggle of how the sadness, hopelessness, and loneliness linger.
The struggle of not wanting to be a burden and worry those we love.
The struggle of trying to hold onto hope that things will improve while not believing they can.
The struggle of tears being constant and plenty.
The struggle of feeling without purpose or hope for consolation.
I am still processing all the feelings that this memoir and how it was told stirred up for me. I feel bad for feeling… *hides* disappointed? I feel sad for the folks who are silently struggling and picked this up hoping to see themselves in her story. I am sad that she is no longer here. And I am sad this type of struggle continues to and will always be a… thing?
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Thank you for sharing this & for speaking up about suicidal thoughts. I fear that the more we refuse to let them out of ourselves to “die in the light of day,” the more prone we are to believe them & to believe they will never pass, as Cheslie did at the time of her suicide. I am so sorry for the world’s loss of this beautiful, obviously talented woman I am only getting to know about too late. My deepest condolences are with her mother & the others who loved her left behind. When I survived my own suicide attempt 💔, I learned that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That thought is an anchor for me in the emotional storms that may still come. I am so heartbroken for Cheslie & others like her who are successful in their attempts. 💔💔 Your thoughts on your disappointment with the content marketing are authentic & also helpful to all of us who look for the helpers. ❤️🩹
I saw the title and thought, 'I need to read this,' but your review made me sad too. So many people are going to pick up hoping to find themselves only to find nothing. 💔