How did I get so big...again?

On giving myself grace after a tough season and gaining 30 pounds.

It’s always a picture.

A picture that snaps me out of my funk and causes me to reckon with the result of months of inactivity, depression, and binge-eating.

Seeing this picture of myself had me instantly say, “How did I get so big… AGAIN?!” I stepped on the scale at the top of the year, and it read 245, then 246 at my doctor’s office. Wow. The number shocks me. The pictures from this event of me shook me. I stopped taking photos of myself, and I rarely stand in front of my full-length mirror anymore, so I’ve been able to avoid really seeing myself for months. I’m currently a size 18, the biggest size I’ve ever worn.

I wear the same thing every day. I have a uniform. My office is very casual (some folks even wear pajamas and onesies). So I wear leggings and a hoodie every day. Literally every day. In the warmer months, I recycle the same seven pairs of thin black leggings, and in the colder months, I recycle a few pairs of fleece leggings. So when all you wear are leggings and hoodies, you don’t have to think about your body expanding rapidly. Yes, I’ve noticed my leggings riding a little lower and my “oversized” hoodies a bit more fitting. But it truly was “out of sight, out of mind.”

As the weather cooled, and my personal trainer needing to suddenly stop, my activity decreased drastically. No more parking lot walks, stairwell climbs, mid-day training sessions. And did I have the discipline to keep up a routine on my own? HA! Not knowing if my dad was going to survive his brain bleed, at the same time, my daughter coming to live with me full-time, sent me spiraling emotionally. I was not okay and haven’t been for a while. I feel like I’m finally getting out of a months-long depressive episode. What used to be my norm, my baseline, now rarely occurs, so I’m no longer used to the prolonged periods of sadness.

2025 was a bitch and three-quarters, and I won’t pretend like I didn’t completely let myself go in the last half of the year to keep myself here. That included not monitoring what or how much I ate, if I ate at all, and not caring to move my body away from the bed or the couch if I wasn’t at work or the hospital. I’m not beating myself up because of this. I’m disappointed, yes, but I understand. And I’m aware. And I’m fixing it… again.

How I’m turning it around.

1. Ditching the metrics.

   1. I no longer wear my Apple Watch, and I deleted my habit tracking app. I want the changes I make to be lifestyle changes long-term, not tied to streaks and logs and activity history. These things served as detractors more than they did motivators so they had to go.

2. Seeing a dietician.

   1. My job offers 9 free sessions through our insurance each year so I’m making use of it. She has me starting small, but also sent me a 1,200 calorie meal plan sooo ummmm….

3. Kickboxing again.

   1. I finally got another kickboxing membership again. I am going to go on Tuesdays and Thursdays until the discounted class package I bought runs out. Hopefully by then I can afford another one since I got this one half off.

4. I’m walking, I’m walking.

   1. I am setting up my walking pad again and getting some miles in each week. Walking is such a simple form of movement that is effective if you’re consistent.

5. Seeing a PCP.

   1. I found a new primary care physician and am making sure I'm physically okay. Physicals, labs, check-ups, the works.

6. Taking phentermine again.

   1. I wrote before about my experience with phentermine, an appetite suppressant taken for three months to aid weight loss. It was so helpful for me the last time I took it. All the food noise was gone. I wasn’t constantly thinking about food or wanting to eat even when I wasn’t hungry. And I need that accountability again because I don’t have it on my own right now.

   2. I will add that my new psych is concerned with me taking it because it is a stimulant and can induce mania, but I’m okay with that risk and handling myself if that happens. And I will always put my health first and stop anything that may be harmful.

I bought myself a size 12 pair of jeans from the thrift store with the intention of that being my “goal.” Yes, I want to be under 200lbs, and yes, I want to lose inches, but I don’t want to be a slave to the scale or a measuring tape. So each quarter, I will try these jeans on with the goal of getting into them by the top of 2027.

---

---

Currently.

Book Progress — On target to have the first draft of my book proposal done by March 17th. I have four working essays going that will be included in the proposal for the sample section. These next couple of weeks, I will focus on getting those drafts ready and maybe sending them to a few beta readers as a package to get some feedback.

Feeling — Hungry, I had to fast today to get blood drawn and only ate part of my lunch (phentermine doing its job already!) I’m figure dinner out when I go pick up Ava Jewel.

Reading — I haven’t started a new book for February yet, but I read a total of nine books in January. Most recently Gucci Mane’s memoir about living with bipolar disorder.

Anticipating — Pay day again, rent is due lol

Contemplating — Ways to show up better in this season for Ava. I am a tired, touched-out momma whose patience is short these days, and she ain’t hearing any of that lol

Affirming — My words will continue to bring opportunities my way.

---

Similar to this.

Posts of mine with a similar vibe:

---

Thank you for reading ‘here comes the sun.’

A special shoutout to my paid subscribers—GG, Yetti, Sharie, Amara, Rahima, Karen, Catherine, Oish, Elena, Brittany, Taryn, Carmen, Lisa, Carmelia, Dot, C. Elyse, Chris, Jéri, Ashley, Orobiyi, Brandy, Amy, Emily, Tyece, Auntie Sherry, Assia, Mr. Albert, Natazah, Carlie, Robert, and Lala.

My subscription is $5 a month or $50 a year.

If you would like to support another way outside of a paid subscription, feel free to:

• Buy me a sunflower.

• Purchase a book for my shelf.

• Follow my Instagram.

• Share this or any other post with someone who may need to see it.