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Some of the things I wish I didn't give a shit about.
On journaling about the things I wish I didn't have as many f**ks to give about. The first installment of, who knows how many.
Aside from journaling and workshop pieces, I haven’t written much essay material in the last two weeks. Coincidentally enough that was also when I last posted here. I have been caring for a sick toddler, who has since passed her germs onto me. I was problem-solving for a major hiccup in my work onboarding. And, I also have a fellowship application due next week that I just have not been able to finish (finish was used here liberally because I don’t have much of a start).
While catching up on some of my Substack reading I came across “All the things I wish I didn’t give a shit about.” I appreciate raw honesty and self-awareness and knew I needed to create a list of my own. The full prompt that the article stemmed from is written out here. Because I’ve learned to use prompts as inspiration and not strict rubrics to follow, I listed about 20 in my journal and then picked several to expound upon here. It was such a cathartic entry.
I don’t know how often I’ll come back to the list, or if I’ll make it to 100 things. But, I really appreciated the release of writing these.
Some of the things I wish I didn’t give a shit about.
1. My body and my weight.
My preoccupation with the size and appearance of my body annoys me. I find myself regularly browsing my personal “fitspiration” album of me at previous sizes I’d like to return to. I’m irritated by and impatient with the amount of time that has gone by where my mind and body have not found a rhythm to get back into. I find myself cursing my former self from times when I remember feeling fat but was a size I now wish to return. I’m sure I could benefit from completely deleting the pictures and swearing off comparison to my former self and others. But I know I’d still find a way to torture myself.
2. My credit score.
Speaking of preoccupation, before the pandemic, I was so anal about my credit score and my finances in general. Any drop below the 700s made me hyper-fixate on it until it rose to my standards again. I checked it weekly, even before I knew it updated. Now? Whew. Not having received a paycheck in over a year and acquiring new debt has me unable to even think about checking my score to prevent a premature heart attack.
3. Social media.
I really would like to get to a place where I only use social media to share my work and occasionally update myself on the work and lives of others. But it is such a large part of my existence right now. Many of the communities I currently thrive in have stemmed from my social media presence, my news comes from my feeds, and because I’m not the biggest fan of “outside” right now, it also fulfills my small interaction needs. Each time I take a break, even going as far as deleting the apps or giving a friend my passwords to change, I find myself back on and addicted again.
4. The world’s broken systems.
This has been weighing particularly heavy on me lately. Especially as I experience unnecessary hardship because of some of these broken systems. None of this makes sense. It isn’t equitable. Some people are born never having a chance to know anything but the poverty and lack they’re unlucky to have originated from. And the people with the power to improve these things refuse to. It’s devastating and induces a heavy feeling of helplessness knowing there’s not much we can do on individual levels to change things.
5. A former friend blaming my mental illness for our end.
A former close friend with whom I have many mutual associates came across my feed this past week and the heat in my body let me know I still harbored deep resentment towards her. After realizing that her claim that I was one of her best friends was in words only, her actions told a different story, I decided to distance myself from her. A long while after this, she confided in a mutual friend that she ended our friendship because of my mental illness. That may very well be her truth. But it’s not THE truth. I wish I did not feel as strongly as I do about this, or have a strong desire to blast her publicly like she attempted to do me a few times before. But, I’m hopeful that in time it will bother me less.
6. Material things I don’t need.
I’ve done a great job of purging things I don’t love, need, or use, and the lack of funds has kept my shopping at bay. But I’d love to get to a point where everything I own has an intentional purpose and is used. I’m planning for my next move to be a downsize so that I can save money and revamp my finances, so a lot of these things can not come with me.
7. The world’s view on the LGBTQIA+ community.
There’s so much disdain for folks who simply want to live their lives authentically and love who they love, regardless of whether or not they have matching chromosomes or genitalia. I have a longer essay I’ve been writing about this for a while but it is mindboggling how people can see evidence of and accept all of the ways in which humanity varies. Differences in body size and shape, skin and eye color, character and personality traits, talents, mental and physical capacity, and abilities. Yet and still, believe that sexuality is the one aspect of humanity that can only take one form.