The person controlling my simulation is bored.

On not taking personal accountability for the fuck shit happening in life.

Growing up, I loved simulation games that let you take over the character’s life in some way and control the decisions they made. Even though I loved simulations, I could never get into the actual Sims game. I did, however, occasionally play Grand Theft Auto at my childhood best friend’s home, though I didn’t get into the game to really play it and accomplish missions. I rarely ever did missions; choosing only to play when I was bored and wanted to wreak random havoc on the unsuspecting NPCs of the virtual San Andreas streets.

I’d spend hours just walking around doing things in the virtual world that I’d never dare to do in the real one. Punch cops, harass old ladies, rob strippers after a lap dance. The works. I’d do anything in that world that would bring about the instant gratification and stimulation I was seeking and provide a much-needed hit of dopamine. I had no fears or reservations making these decisions for the character because I knew my friend had a cheat code for the game that would completely undo all the damage my actions caused.

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Well, the player controlling my character in the simulation of life is extremely bored and there’s no cheat code to help me out.

It seems all at once, so much is happening in my world that is making it hard to exist in... again.

Having a new micromanaging manager at work, and leadership who can’t answer questions has me pulling out my already thinning hair daily. I am constantly checking in with my group chat like “Is it me? Am I the drama or are they tripping? They’re tripping, right?!” It’s put me back in a place where I dread logging into work every day and this time I don’t have the safety net to responsibly resign. It also means that I’m back on the job hunt in the same cesspool market as before so I’ve seemingly thrown myself back into a season of rejection when it comes to finding the role for me. I’m regretting fighting for my life and going back to grad school while pregnant, working, and in the middle of an unprecedented pandemic; adding five more figures on to my federal student loan debt with nothing to really show for it but the degree itself.

I have found myself making some questionable decisions and “again-ing” some of those once certain and boldly proclaimed “never agains!” Having outerbody experiences where I know that I know better, but doing better doesn’t seem as fun. A lot of “what’s the worst that could happen?” and “well I deserve this!”

I’ve experienced more friendships ending and I’m kind of just numb to it at this point, having no tolerance for bullshit or one-sided connections. On the other hand, I’m also finding myself unnecessarily conflicting with friends whose friendship I cherish because my patience for many things is fleeting.

I have also been feeling a level of romantic loneliness I haven’t experienced before, lately, that has resulted in a void too deep to be ignored. I want my person. But I don’t want to meet new people. Or go out. Or swipe. So where does that leave me? I wonder if the player could just set me up?

And then that fucking election? How sobering it is that Black Women are the only demographic that didn’t vote the devil into the White House… TWICE. Whew. I still don’t have all the words for what I am feeling and have felt. I know there is a lot of anger and rage and that’s just not how I want to show up to the page right now. So maybe something will come out of me after the dust settles.

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I’d love to feel more in control.

I’ve been fighting off a depressive episode for a couple of months now and I think I am finally there. Right in that place that’s oh so familiar and always welcomes me back saying “You knew I wouldn’t be far, Dear.” The darkness at 5pm isn’t doing much to help that either. Even though it happens every year, Daylight Savings always catches me off guard and the early darkness is jarring. But, I am grateful that what I’m experiencing is a medicated depression so at least there’s an absence of deep dispair and suicidal ideations. Instead, I kind of just want to crawl into a ball and hide in my closet until the world and my life is going a little bit better.

Blaming all the fuck shit on a simulation may sound like an attempt at not taking personal accountability for my actions but this is honestly the only logical explanation; at least to my compromised brain, it is. Because… what the actual fuck is life right now? And I can’t say that it’s… bad.. per se. Because we all know how 2023 went for me. So I feel like I shouldn’t complain. But come on now.

It seems that each time I find myself in another scenario that can go one of a few ways, I’ve opted for the most random or unsuspecting decision presented. And worst of all, I am sometimes apathetic about it. Because it is what it is at this point and what hasn’t life thrown at me?

Sometimes I’ve found myself so deep in a dissociative state that I’ve changed environments without realizing it. Or I’ll glitch in real time at the most inopportune moment, adding to the chaos. It’s as if the person playing my character’s controller is jammed and every time they select “A”, the game chooses “Y.” Then, I’m left to play out the scene and deal with the fallout from the NPCs in my life.

I don’t think my player is paying attention to the dashboard that is supposed to help them make the right decisions for me. They’re ignoring all my wants, fears, needs, and really aren’t taking my declining health meter very seriously. Because if they were, they’d be making much better choices for me like meeting disagreements with grace and patience instead of snark and obvious indignation. If the player truly paid attention to what I wanted and needed most, they wouldn’t put me back into the arms of people I probably shouldn’t be. Or did that happen in freeplay with my character’s own free will?

I want the player controlling my character to go to bed. Give it a rest, already. Switch characters, shut off the game, put it in demo mode… something! They’re clearly bored out of their mind and are causing chaos in my world. If they won’t shut it off to give me a break, at least input the cheat code that’ll make all this shit figure itself out and restart this thing called life to the default settings. But if it resets, what happens to all my expansion packs and modifications that have made me the current version of myself? I guess I’ll have to keep on in this simulation to find out.

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Similar to this..

Ignoring the call to surrender.

No rest for the weary?

"This pain is not forever," a reminder to myself when I feel broken.

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