It’s Wednesday, June 18, 2025, 10:03 PM. My eyes are heavy because I’ve had prosecco rosé (work outing) and cannabis. So please excuse the typos, the run-ons, the incomplete thoughts—you know, my typical posts anyway.
I am listening to my latest obsession on repeat. I Want You Back x Infinity Song. Not because I relate to the song. But because their voices are so damn beautiful and the song is so damn catchy. I’ve been listening to them on repeat ever since a friend shared one of their reels on her story.
I am grieving one of my dearest friends. My good friend, sister, auntie extraordinaire, Choc Choc died suddenly and unexpectedly. The news hit me extremely hard. I have never before felt the kind of anguish I felt last week. Yes, I’ve grieved many, both living and dead. But this was unfamiliar. It was heavy. It was disorienting. At some point, I began to dissociate to protect myself from completely spiraling. I had to remind myself to breathe often. I found myself holding my breath, not realizing I was doing so. The grief was nauseating. IS nauseating.
I am going back to therapy. After a few years since my last session, I called EAP at my job and signed up for therapy again. I get five free sessions through my job and intend to use them to help me through this grief. I loved Choc dearly, and she loved me—fifteen years of a beautiful and cherished friendship cut short by her untimely death. I am looking forward to being under the care of a therapist again, even temporarily so, and am happy to know I’ve actually met and connected with my new therapist before. I’m in good hands.
I am horny. I’ve written about how hypersexuality shows up for me and have recently had an epiphany about its occurrence. Because I went most of my life unmedicated and undiagnosed, I found myself episodic more often than not, especially in the years leading up to the pandemic and beyond. And because hypersexuality is one of my most prevalent symptoms of bipolar disorder, the worse my episodes got, the more intense it got. This changed once I’d been medicated correctly. I don’t want, or need, it as much. I don’t think about it as much. I don’t have it as much (though these days that’s due to location rather than a lack of desire). But because I’ve been teetering on that spiraling line these last couple of weeks, I’ve had the urge bad. And there’s not much I can do about that right now.
I am sick of my shit. I haven't been writing as much as I should. As much as I want to be. I need to finish my proposal. I need to write these essays. And I truly am the only thing standing in my way of getting it done. I had every intention of getting my shit together last week but, yeah. And here we are, halfway through another week, and I haven’t written. Well, until now. That’s honestly what prompted this. The thought that I haven’t posted here in a while. The desire to bitch about grieving my friend. And the need to connect with my community.
I am loved, cared for, and supported. Maybe there’s somebody out there who is sick of me bragging on my village. But maybe I don’t care and will continue to do so because they deserve it. The way they show up for me. For my baby. They are undefeated. Top tier. Simply the best. I am so grateful for how they showed up for me in my grieving. Even though some of them, too, were grieving their own losses. Calls to check in, meals to eat, cash to float, love to feel. I want to cry just thinking about it. And I am so deserving of it.
Currently.
Feeling — Sleepy. I am going to knock out as soon as I hit publish.
Reading — “Take a Hint, Dani Brown” It’s the sequel to a book a read last year. Book two of a three part series of sisters falling in love. I needed something light, and a bit romantic to take my mind off things.
Listening — I Want You Back x Infinity Song for the millionth time.
Anticipating — Seeing my baby on Friday.
Contemplating — How to plan for the possibility of my baby moving here to Cleveland with me.
Affirming — The world needs to hear what I have to say.
Similar to this.
Posts of mine with a similar vibe:
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I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend Ashleigh and to know you're grieving. I really admire how you give space and time for your emotions to exist as they are. Sending you the biggest virtual hug.
I thought of you this week, I came across some beautiful vintage fabrics from the south of France with sunflowers. The patterns brought me a lot of joy and thinking of you brought a smile to my face too 🌻💛
I'm so sorry for your loss, Ashleigh 🧡