From the morning page: I'm not enjoying this season of motherhood.
On making it okay to openly speak about not enjoying motherhood.
This morning I did something I rarely ever do—completed my morning page before I started my day. Lately, I’ve sat down to complete my morning page only after I’ve already commuted to daycare and/or work, and been up for several hours before marking my daily morning page reminder as completed. I owe today’s accomplishment to my Sweets who woke me up at 4:40 am wanting to play and drink milk. I gave her some milk and unsuccessfully laid her down to go back to sleep but when she said she wanted to play with me, she meant just that. Eventually giving in after repeated kicks and requests.. no, demands for hugs, I resolved that we were up for the morning and that was that. And since daycare is closed today, we’re in for a delightful day of trying to work and parent.
From the journal:
January 16, 2024—6:48 am
I wish more moms talked about mothering woes. It’s so taboo and the world judges you if you don’t exclaim that you love and enjoy motherhood. I think so many mothers would be better off if they had an outlet to say “This shit is not fun, my kid(s) drive me nuts. I don’t love this the majority of the time and I would love an extended break away from them.” Admitting this, though, opens up a floodgate of judgment and admonishment for not always doing this shit with a smile on your face and gratitude that you successfully procreated.
Lately, my three-day weekends away from Ava are some of my favorite times. I can regroup and not be SO on edge. I’m always on edge, the intensity just increases when I am parenting right now. Coupled with adjusting to Latuda, starting a new job, and still struggling financially, my terror—I mean, toddler seems to send me over the edge internally more often than not.
Of course, I don’t feel pride in feeling this way, but it is my truth, and I am doing the best I can while still being Mother of the Year.
I must admit, though, her excited “MOMMMYYYY!!!!” when she sees me after being away for a few days melts my heart and I will treasure those moments while I still have them because I know there might come a time in her life when she is not so excited to see me and that’s okay too.
She won’t remember much of anything from this period of her life so I’ll continue working on myself mentally and emotionally. That way, my moments of irritability and need for not so many touches and hugs do not translate to feelings of not being loved or wanted when she can remember. After all, she did not ask to be here and she did not choose a life of part-time solo parenting—I did.
I hope in the future we grow to have the kind of relationship where we can joke about these times and I’m able to tell her about these moments without hurting her feelings. And if she decides to become a parent one day, I will be there to remind her that these moments are normal and okay, especially if she struggles mentally like I do. And if you grow up and read this, my Sweets, know that I love your entire existence. You just irk me real bad right now, haha.
More on motherhood:
Mothering while depressed.
Sunday morning thoughts of a mentally ill momma. The mom guilt I feel while parenting when I’m in a depressive episode is worse than the normal guilt that usually accompanies my depressed moods. I don’t want to not be alive right now, but I’d love to not have to exist in deep sadness for a moment.
Thank you for reading ‘here comes the sun.’
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Thank you for sharing your story even when it doesn't look pretty. I don't think I'm the first to say that we need to voice out what motherhood is really like so we can get the support we need and we lessen the pressure on ourselves to be "Mother of the Year's all the time, because let's face it, it is hard work and it's ok to not get it "right" all the time.
First of all your daughter is a cutie! Thank you for your transparency. It's not always easy to express your truth regarding motherhood. I have two teenagers, a girl and a boy and I was telling my friend how I don't like my teenage son right now and I am ok with saying that. There will be times when you don't like your children and that's ok and it doesn't change your love for them. You're doing an amazing job! I would love to say it gets better, but the truth is, each stage presents new challenges and it's important to take care of yourself so you can be your best and in return, you'll give your best to your daughter.