I was the crazy lady throwing a fit in 7-Eleven.
On being triggered into a public meltdown but proud of how I cared for myself in the aftermath.
Last night I lost my cool in 7-Eleven at a clerk who was trying to cheat me. His brash remark of “it’s just $4, lady,” feigned ignorance on how to process refunds, and the growing line of angry customers looking at me as if I was the problem for simply wanting my money back sent me over the edge. Especially since the $4.50 I was owed would’ve gone back into an account nearly empty until my next paycheck as I recover financially from being unemployed for over a year.
I eventually left, without my money back, but not before cussing him out while crying because I was so enraged. I can imagine the other patrons in line thinking “Wow, lady, all this over $5?” Neither the clerk nor the patrons in line knew about my financial woes and how “just $4” could be the exact amount that causes the next purchase to send my account into overdraft.
They had no idea that over time, it has become extremely difficult to keep my rage at bay, especially during unfair treatment and while adjusting to new medication. They didn’t know that I was simultaneously trying to calm and regulate my emotions while, at first, politely requesting a refund with someone so adamantly refusing. All they knew was that this crazy woman was holding up the line trying to get small change back from the poor clueless clerk who then pretended to no longer understand me.
No stranger to public meltdowns, I subsequently spent the next couple of hours sobbing in my car, grocery store, and the gas station parking lot. At first, I was angry at myself for seemingly allowing him to push me over the edge. Then, I was sad that there was even an edge for me to be on in the first place. And finally, annoyed that I still needed to continue with my errands regardless of being mid-breakdown. The world doesn’t stop when I’m sad and that sometimes makes me sadder.
I know I looked and sounded crazy to anyone who saw me. Walking through aisles, crying and talking to myself, telling myself that I was okay and that I was allowed to feel my feelings as I cried them out and tried like hell to regulate my emotions so that I didn’t start spiraling out of control. Encounters like these are why I spent most of 2023 being a faux recluse. I was constantly at war in my mind and having to deal with humans made those moments worse.
Triggered.
One of my biggest triggers that sends me spiraling over the edge is someone admonishing me for making something seemingly small “a big deal” or behaving as if I’m causing a problem by advocating for myself while being mistreated. And this man did that repeatedly. I remember at one point saying “if it’s JUST $4 why don’t you reach in YOUR fucking pocket and refund me that way? If it is so insignificant, do YOU have $4 to give me then?!” Because he kept insisting I should just leave without such an insignificant amount of money. At one point in time, I would’ve done just that and then beat myself up for a week playing out all the the things I should have done and said instead.
Anytime these moments happen I am sprung into a spiraling internal montage of all the times prior. Of exes and friends who deemed me “too confrontational” for having the audacity to stand up for myself, or them, while being faced with unfair treatment. Too many years of not speaking up for Ashleigh and just accepting what’s happening at the expense of my own peace and comfort have turned me into who I am now; someone who will ALWAYS let you know when you have her fucked up.
A series of unfortunate events and minor setbacks landed me in that 7-Eleven last night in the first place so those tears were a necessary release that was just waiting to get out of me. Am I proud of the scene? Not really. Am I ashamed? Absolutely not. I am, however, proud of how I used my tools and knowledge of self to regulate my emotions in the moment. I kept myself from spiraling out of control and physically harming him, the property, or myself. I am proud that I continue to push through moments like these instead of being controlled and confined by them.
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I am proud with you, Ashleigh, for using your emotional regulation tools. And I'm with you on throwing a fit. It's not about the $4. it's the principle behind it that is infuriating. So loved that you shared this today.
Just stopping by to say FUCK that clerk, full stop!