All of this. The purity shit. The bi repressing, all of it. But my inner teen Kristen thanks me often for allow us to be who we really are. I came all the way out to myself at 30 and eight years in, it’s all been worth it.
I joked that my younger self would probably have a fit about who I've become but I think she'd low key be grateful to know there's an end in sight. I'm glad you came into yourself and have found it worth it. Here's to more freedom and clarity.
I love this! Very comical and transparent. It made me wonder what I would say to younger Mia and what she would think. Nobody ever warned me about the cycles we go through in life and how that was okay. I'm glad you can pass that on to your daughter and me to mine. 🤎
That part! We go through SO many cycles as life goes on and we have more experiences. I'm so glad we had these reckonings before we could pass on anything different to our littles.
I have similar feelings about my experience with purity culture. I think teenage me would be slightly horrified by a lot of things about me, and I feel embarrassed but mostly I'm just sorry for younger me. I had so much shame, and I am still getting to know myself better after repressing so much of myself. Thanks for sharing, Ashleigh.
I'm glad you're getting to know yourself, A. That's half the battle after a lifetime of being inundated with beliefs that don't align with who you feel yourself to be. And I'm glad we can now pass on these lessons to our children much earlier than we learned them.
“As much as we swore we’d abstain, we always found our way back into each other's bed even for a brief period after our relationship ended.”
yoooo! i could relate to this part so much.
it feels so good to see someone just openly accept that even though they were from a Christian background they dabbled into these things and I found this true for even I and my most recent ex because even though we were like walking in the faith, one of the things we promised and swore by was we would never have sex before marriage and, you know, when it finally happened, it was beautiful and weird at the same time because now we had to confront our biggest fear of feeling disappointed in each other, having sex before marriage and all that stuff,
but even after the relationship, it wasn't easy to just let go because we were so intimate in that manner that even after the relationship, the world would think that both parties should just let each other go so easily. Which is always easy to say until people go through it themselves.
it was so hard for each of us and even as exes, we still kept finding our way back to each other's beds. it's a very tough place to be, but eventually, time just released the hold on both parties and we eventually let things go.
but yeah, it's just so freeing to see someone who has gone through that phase and openly accept that.
Thank you so much Tobi and I appreciate you sharing. That's why I share so transparently because it opens the doors for others to feel less alone in the shit life throws at them.
GIRL! I had a purity ring too!!! 😅 I also was a super Christian college girl (my classmates called me "church girl") and it was during that time that I realized I wasn't trying to please God, I was trying to please and perform faith like other people. Oddly enough, that realization helped me grow closer to God and develop my own faith walk. Still growing!
Lmao at us!! I'm so glad that realization helped you grow closer. I also thought my own deconstructing and unlearning would grow my relationship but it drew me further away.
Ohhhh, the memories this drums up of being a late-20s black female new convert with 2 kids (by 2 different daddies) out of wedlock being told to keep her legs closed to please the Lord. The struggle was beyond description. I had severe depression forcing myself to be celibate when the real me believed she should be allowed to experience all forms of love, on her terms. I also pushed the virginity envelope to all the young people I mentored after I got married to a pastor. Smh … glad they didn’t listen to me…they are doing phenomenally…
Whew, that repression caused depression is something else aint it? And being hypersexual sometimes fighting that urge is a literal battle that I don't have the energy or desire to fight. Glad we learned better.
Oh boy, I can relate to the purity culture business!!! We even had a girls' sleepover party in high school with jewelry, cake, the whole bit. A grand celebration! Younger Beth Anne was doing what she thought was best to be the 'good girl.' I look back now, half snickering, half sobbing. Still unpacking that one in many layers...thank you for this post, Ashleigh!
I’m your same age and am also a survivor/former perpetuator or purity culture! (Although “survivor” isn’t the best word, since it implies that purity culture is no longer a bane of my existence. It will be decades of therapy before I can claim that title.)
There are so many aspects of religion that ruin it for so many. Finding your own sense of self and spirituality is paramount, especially for Black women. We don’t need policing of our bodies by the church. We need better care and respect of our choices and independence. Peace and love to you on your journey!
Yes yes, all of this it is the truth and so many aspects of religion are why I no longer follow one. Thank you so much, peace and love right back to you!
*Oh if that version of myself could see me now. I don’t think she’d survive the news. She’d have a heart attack, asthma attack, aneurysm, or all three the instant she learned of who she had become.
I’ve lived so many lives in the short 32 years I’ve been earthside. And in those lives, I’ve done many things that that version of me swore I’d never do. From the innocent “Ugh, I’ll never wear a thong!” to the judgmental “I’d never have someone’s baby who hasn’t made me a wife first!”*
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 - ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
did u have tabs on my emerging thought forms before I did ? Is that why you wrote something I am infinitely grateful for already here now stop pause cope cope cope cos like the way in which this makes me remember that OH SHITTING FUCK OK IT IS NOT UNIQUELY BROKEN I am not unique nor broken for THE WAY THAT *what would younger you say? If they could see you now? 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹* - is a question that - does not go down well for me in the flash of understanding I had just had of how this would go when I think about my *career aspirations* or lack thereof?????
Cos it opens a whole family dynasty business in its ew prime of canned worms like the #1 global supplier x infinity of FUCKING WORMS - where I started *defensively justifying myself to “younger me” - some manifestation of her - a very accurate one but Obvs not complete in any way but like, a good assessment of who she would’ve assessed herslef as in a given moment for example -
And so god I’m losing my thread here but can I conclude by trying to say yesssssss and also omg and also thank you and also hahahahahaa and also truth laughter beauty revelations generosity skill talent all combined here / everywhere - thank u?!!??
Xxxxxxxxx u just solved a brewing inner existential crisis like nipped it in the bud so quick I usually would measure in fractions of a decade Vs 3 week turnaround from the moment I was innocently walking on my home landing’s fluffy grey carpet and was hit with the horror thought lol
- like *MUST EVERYTHING ME FRESH takes on even the most fresh understandings I’ve come across of other humans Espesh when it’s stuff that has a lot of good to it cos even I can see that I have oodles of shit I am gaga about / and also stressed by the good
abt where I’m like how do I *feel just how* grateful I dooo know I am but it doesn’t like change or help how I feel to the same degree and again “what’s wrong with me” - re: things I couldn’t imagine in the best way beyond wildest fuckin dreams my younger self would be fuckin WILD WITH GLEE AND RELIEF AND SURREAL DISBELIEF OVER like she’d give anything and more and the abundance in the answer - why did I believe till today here now with you these words and this experience told these stories expressed
- all to help me see the thing that feels so silly now that it’s not a literal thing, the prompt of “what would your younger self think?” - and maybe that yeah I get to feel good about how much I caveat when I speak -
there’s a reason for it and ooh this is a journal entry lol I shall pause here but thank u!!!! Xxxxxxxx
Ok I couldn’t not try and caveat to the last thing -
It is I will go away and let the chips fall in their own time (try to let lol)
- re: how my caveats rly stunt my self expression- that is okay and I am safe hehe thank u for mini journal Opp too xxxxx
Hahahaha yesssss.. seeing this just excited the hell out of me Oish. It seems you need to get to posting because you clearly have some thoughts to get out and I love it!! Thank you for sharing with me, I love know how my words are hitting folks.
To be honest, we have pushed the purity culture to a certain extent, and this is not because we are sexually pure, but because deep down in our soul there is a longing to be involved, to have the experience of sexual fantasies and pleasures, and in order to subdue this longing, we try to push a narrative, hence the purity culture. And the truth is that our African and black heritage contributed to us having such a mindset.
Everyone should find and know God for himself and not what the society dictates.
Yes and yes. 😫 I facilitated a class “the truth about sex” you’re inspiring me to write my own experiences in this culture. Thank you for sharing yours
I’m gagged!🤣🤣 This was so good! I too was a part of “Pinky Promise”😵💫 Unlearning these harmful ideologies have been both liberating and shocking. Rejecting toxic ideas around womanhood taught by the Church has been one of the best choices I made and has helped me navigate my 30’s. I also own an ungodly amount of thongs that I love🤣💅🏾
Yesss thong brigade!! hahaha I'm so glad you are liberated and have rejected these harmful ideologies. And navigating my 30s has definitely been made easier by not having some of those belief systems still.
I’ve had a similarly titled essay in my drafts for over a year now that I just can’t finish! I’m so glad you found words for your experience and I understand what you mean about wanting to poke fun at it, but also feeling seriously sad for your past self.
I experienced full-on anxiety attacks in my twenties because I was fighting my sexual desire for my then-boyfriend (an atheist, no less) and my church tried convincing me that I was going to be punished by God. Talk about overdramatic. A very wise therapist told me to leave that church and I’ve been free ever since!
I was raised this way too but not with the ring bc it wasn't needed. I do think it brings unnecessary guilt and shame BUT I don't think sex is ever really casual and I don't like how hook up culture was equally ingrained in me. It was also unhealthy
the title of this grabbed me and I am commenting now as a placeholder because whewwwwwwwwwwww I need this
I know so many of us were deeply rooted in some shit we needed to unlearn and deconstruct.
and the wild thing is I grew up an atheist. I came to that culture as a young adult and whewwwww
Whewww sometimes the converts were the worst because they felt they were catching up for lost time loool
All of this. The purity shit. The bi repressing, all of it. But my inner teen Kristen thanks me often for allow us to be who we really are. I came all the way out to myself at 30 and eight years in, it’s all been worth it.
I joked that my younger self would probably have a fit about who I've become but I think she'd low key be grateful to know there's an end in sight. I'm glad you came into yourself and have found it worth it. Here's to more freedom and clarity.
I love this! Very comical and transparent. It made me wonder what I would say to younger Mia and what she would think. Nobody ever warned me about the cycles we go through in life and how that was okay. I'm glad you can pass that on to your daughter and me to mine. 🤎
That part! We go through SO many cycles as life goes on and we have more experiences. I'm so glad we had these reckonings before we could pass on anything different to our littles.
I have similar feelings about my experience with purity culture. I think teenage me would be slightly horrified by a lot of things about me, and I feel embarrassed but mostly I'm just sorry for younger me. I had so much shame, and I am still getting to know myself better after repressing so much of myself. Thanks for sharing, Ashleigh.
I'm glad you're getting to know yourself, A. That's half the battle after a lifetime of being inundated with beliefs that don't align with who you feel yourself to be. And I'm glad we can now pass on these lessons to our children much earlier than we learned them.
“As much as we swore we’d abstain, we always found our way back into each other's bed even for a brief period after our relationship ended.”
yoooo! i could relate to this part so much.
it feels so good to see someone just openly accept that even though they were from a Christian background they dabbled into these things and I found this true for even I and my most recent ex because even though we were like walking in the faith, one of the things we promised and swore by was we would never have sex before marriage and, you know, when it finally happened, it was beautiful and weird at the same time because now we had to confront our biggest fear of feeling disappointed in each other, having sex before marriage and all that stuff,
but even after the relationship, it wasn't easy to just let go because we were so intimate in that manner that even after the relationship, the world would think that both parties should just let each other go so easily. Which is always easy to say until people go through it themselves.
it was so hard for each of us and even as exes, we still kept finding our way back to each other's beds. it's a very tough place to be, but eventually, time just released the hold on both parties and we eventually let things go.
but yeah, it's just so freeing to see someone who has gone through that phase and openly accept that.
I'm proud of you Ash.
Thank you so much Tobi and I appreciate you sharing. That's why I share so transparently because it opens the doors for others to feel less alone in the shit life throws at them.
i’m so blessed for the gift of Ash.
GIRL! I had a purity ring too!!! 😅 I also was a super Christian college girl (my classmates called me "church girl") and it was during that time that I realized I wasn't trying to please God, I was trying to please and perform faith like other people. Oddly enough, that realization helped me grow closer to God and develop my own faith walk. Still growing!
Lmao at us!! I'm so glad that realization helped you grow closer. I also thought my own deconstructing and unlearning would grow my relationship but it drew me further away.
Ohhhh, the memories this drums up of being a late-20s black female new convert with 2 kids (by 2 different daddies) out of wedlock being told to keep her legs closed to please the Lord. The struggle was beyond description. I had severe depression forcing myself to be celibate when the real me believed she should be allowed to experience all forms of love, on her terms. I also pushed the virginity envelope to all the young people I mentored after I got married to a pastor. Smh … glad they didn’t listen to me…they are doing phenomenally…
Whew, that repression caused depression is something else aint it? And being hypersexual sometimes fighting that urge is a literal battle that I don't have the energy or desire to fight. Glad we learned better.
Oh boy, I can relate to the purity culture business!!! We even had a girls' sleepover party in high school with jewelry, cake, the whole bit. A grand celebration! Younger Beth Anne was doing what she thought was best to be the 'good girl.' I look back now, half snickering, half sobbing. Still unpacking that one in many layers...thank you for this post, Ashleigh!
That part "half snickering half sobbing" because it is both hilarious and depressing at the same time! Thanks Beth Anne
I’m your same age and am also a survivor/former perpetuator or purity culture! (Although “survivor” isn’t the best word, since it implies that purity culture is no longer a bane of my existence. It will be decades of therapy before I can claim that title.)
You are a survivor even while you work to heal and I hope that healing comes soon!
There are so many aspects of religion that ruin it for so many. Finding your own sense of self and spirituality is paramount, especially for Black women. We don’t need policing of our bodies by the church. We need better care and respect of our choices and independence. Peace and love to you on your journey!
Yes yes, all of this it is the truth and so many aspects of religion are why I no longer follow one. Thank you so much, peace and love right back to you!
*Oh if that version of myself could see me now. I don’t think she’d survive the news. She’d have a heart attack, asthma attack, aneurysm, or all three the instant she learned of who she had become.
I’ve lived so many lives in the short 32 years I’ve been earthside. And in those lives, I’ve done many things that that version of me swore I’d never do. From the innocent “Ugh, I’ll never wear a thong!” to the judgmental “I’d never have someone’s baby who hasn’t made me a wife first!”*
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 - ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
did u have tabs on my emerging thought forms before I did ? Is that why you wrote something I am infinitely grateful for already here now stop pause cope cope cope cos like the way in which this makes me remember that OH SHITTING FUCK OK IT IS NOT UNIQUELY BROKEN I am not unique nor broken for THE WAY THAT *what would younger you say? If they could see you now? 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹* - is a question that - does not go down well for me in the flash of understanding I had just had of how this would go when I think about my *career aspirations* or lack thereof?????
Cos it opens a whole family dynasty business in its ew prime of canned worms like the #1 global supplier x infinity of FUCKING WORMS - where I started *defensively justifying myself to “younger me” - some manifestation of her - a very accurate one but Obvs not complete in any way but like, a good assessment of who she would’ve assessed herslef as in a given moment for example -
And so god I’m losing my thread here but can I conclude by trying to say yesssssss and also omg and also thank you and also hahahahahaa and also truth laughter beauty revelations generosity skill talent all combined here / everywhere - thank u?!!??
Xxxxxxxxx u just solved a brewing inner existential crisis like nipped it in the bud so quick I usually would measure in fractions of a decade Vs 3 week turnaround from the moment I was innocently walking on my home landing’s fluffy grey carpet and was hit with the horror thought lol
- like *MUST EVERYTHING ME FRESH takes on even the most fresh understandings I’ve come across of other humans Espesh when it’s stuff that has a lot of good to it cos even I can see that I have oodles of shit I am gaga about / and also stressed by the good
abt where I’m like how do I *feel just how* grateful I dooo know I am but it doesn’t like change or help how I feel to the same degree and again “what’s wrong with me” - re: things I couldn’t imagine in the best way beyond wildest fuckin dreams my younger self would be fuckin WILD WITH GLEE AND RELIEF AND SURREAL DISBELIEF OVER like she’d give anything and more and the abundance in the answer - why did I believe till today here now with you these words and this experience told these stories expressed
- all to help me see the thing that feels so silly now that it’s not a literal thing, the prompt of “what would your younger self think?” - and maybe that yeah I get to feel good about how much I caveat when I speak -
there’s a reason for it and ooh this is a journal entry lol I shall pause here but thank u!!!! Xxxxxxxx
Ok I couldn’t not try and caveat to the last thing -
It is I will go away and let the chips fall in their own time (try to let lol)
- re: how my caveats rly stunt my self expression- that is okay and I am safe hehe thank u for mini journal Opp too xxxxx
Hahahaha yesssss.. seeing this just excited the hell out of me Oish. It seems you need to get to posting because you clearly have some thoughts to get out and I love it!! Thank you for sharing with me, I love know how my words are hitting folks.
To be honest, we have pushed the purity culture to a certain extent, and this is not because we are sexually pure, but because deep down in our soul there is a longing to be involved, to have the experience of sexual fantasies and pleasures, and in order to subdue this longing, we try to push a narrative, hence the purity culture. And the truth is that our African and black heritage contributed to us having such a mindset.
Everyone should find and know God for himself and not what the society dictates.
Agreed! Thank you for commenting.
Yes and yes. 😫 I facilitated a class “the truth about sex” you’re inspiring me to write my own experiences in this culture. Thank you for sharing yours
Oh yes I'd love to hear your perspective for sure!
I’m gagged!🤣🤣 This was so good! I too was a part of “Pinky Promise”😵💫 Unlearning these harmful ideologies have been both liberating and shocking. Rejecting toxic ideas around womanhood taught by the Church has been one of the best choices I made and has helped me navigate my 30’s. I also own an ungodly amount of thongs that I love🤣💅🏾
Yesss thong brigade!! hahaha I'm so glad you are liberated and have rejected these harmful ideologies. And navigating my 30s has definitely been made easier by not having some of those belief systems still.
🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
I’ve had a similarly titled essay in my drafts for over a year now that I just can’t finish! I’m so glad you found words for your experience and I understand what you mean about wanting to poke fun at it, but also feeling seriously sad for your past self.
I experienced full-on anxiety attacks in my twenties because I was fighting my sexual desire for my then-boyfriend (an atheist, no less) and my church tried convincing me that I was going to be punished by God. Talk about overdramatic. A very wise therapist told me to leave that church and I’ve been free ever since!
I'm so glad you're now free. This culture really did a number on us and when you're ready to tell some part of that story, the words will come to you!
I was raised this way too but not with the ring bc it wasn't needed. I do think it brings unnecessary guilt and shame BUT I don't think sex is ever really casual and I don't like how hook up culture was equally ingrained in me. It was also unhealthy
Too much of anything is definitely unhealthy. I hope you've found a happy medium and what works for you.