January was finally good to me.
On having a consistently good month for the first time in a long time and not anxiously awaiting for life to spiral downward again.
Dare I say that this has been the best month of my life?
I don’t remember all the months of my life, and I know I’ve had some pretty great ones so it doesn’t feel like a complete fact. So I guess a better statement is that this has been the best start to a new year that I’ve had in a very long time.
In January 2020 I was depressed.
My weight was spiraling out of control, my job was soul-crushing, my relationship was loveless, and everything about my left felt like it was going to shit. Though I was on medication, I was struggling to find the right antidepressant and hadn’t yet been correctly diagnosed to know that I should have also been on a mood stabilizer.
In January 2021 I was depressed.
I was freshly postpartum, having given birth on the last day of the previous year. I had a very difficult pregnancy that ended in an abrupt emergency c-section, where I feared for my daughter’s life the entire time. Recovery was painful and lonely, and I felt that I had made a grave mistake bringing a child into my world.. this world. I could not be physically supported by my friends and family because of the ongoing pandemic and my second semester of grad school started back up three weeks after giving birth.
In January 2022 I was depressed.
I prematurely entered into a new relationship with a wonderful person who I was misaligned with in ways that were important for future life planning. I was grieving my choice to step into part-time solo parenting all while still in grad school and working full-time in a job that made me physically ill. I was the biggest I’d ever been physically and my ideations returned full-force, no longer infrequent and passive.
In January 2023 I was depressed.
I was still unemployed after quitting my job the previous year, with no luck in finding my next position, and close to being completely broke. I was now grieving the end of yet another relationship and hating myself because of it. I was uncomfortably clashing with my daughter’s father and wrestled with feeling misunderstood, unheard, and disrespected. And my Sweets was fully into her “terrible twos.”
But in January 2024, I was happy.
Life didn’t feel like it was constantly beating my ass.
I’m back on medication and I’m happy to be alive for the first time in years.
Excited, actually. I’ve been stable long enough that I’m not constantly waiting for the proverbial rug to be pulled from under me. Minor inconveniences and setbacks don’t feel like colossal blows. And I haven’t been depressed or ideating in over a month. The gift of possibly growing old doesn’t seem so daunting anymore and I can think about the future without dread.
I was productive AF.
I went to the gym at least twice each week, focusing only on listening to my body and getting my muscles used to working out again. I ditched my Apple watch and other metrics and focused only on me. I wrote eight pieces for Substack. I finished five-ish books and am getting back into fiction and physical reading. I DNFed one even though I was over 70% through, I just couldn’t give it another minute of my time and I’m trying to keep that same energy with everything that just isn’t working for me.
I actually wanted to be out and about.
I took myself on a date to a place I’d been wanting to try but couldn’t afford. I’m so grateful that as I catch up financially, I can soon afford to date myself regularly again. Nobody dates me like I do. I caught up with friends that I kept pushing off because I didn’t feel up to seeing and being seen in the state that I found myself constantly in. I enjoyed the hell out of myself and I enjoyed the hell out of my people.
I spent A LOT of intentional time with my Sweets.
This season of motherhood is the piiiiitssss. I found myself actively avoiding doing activities and outings because she is so unpredictable and tap dances on my anxious nerves. I was feeling guilty about that so I intentionally planned out some of the time we had together. Intentional activities prevent me from just going to hide in the closet and letting her watch tv and play independently (because sometimes that’s what the moment calls for).
It was a great substack month as well. As much as I don’t want to be hyper-focus on metrics, they have excited and amazed me. I gained 114 new subscribers and currently have 16 paid subscribers. Wow. Y’all really rock with me, huh? 😭
I dared to demand abundance from 2024 and man, be careful what you ask for because, what?
In the comments, share with me some of your good news from January. I want to celebrate with you too!
Thank you for reading ‘here comes the sun.’
A special shoutout to my paid subscribers, I appreciate you all SO much! — GG, Yetti, Jaydeen, Natazah, Erica, Sharie, Melanie, Amara, Rahima, Mariah M., Karen, Kimie, Mariah D., Jayla, Catherine, Oish, and Niya.
If you would like to support another way outside of a monthly or annual subscription feel free to:
Share this or any other post with someone who may need it.
So happy for you. I hope the whole of 2024 is kind and good to you 🫶🏽
Feeling better-ish. Creating systems that help me to be more productive/ work toward my goals etc. is a bit slow going. I still don't feel like I have my feet under me just yet.