"Pleasure is your birthright," and other things I want my daughter to know.
On lessons I learned a bit later in life than I would have liked to that I want to make sure to teach my daughter.
I learned many lessons later in life than I would have liked.
Some time ago, in a letter, a friend asked me what lessons I wanted to teach Ava as she grows and develops. Of course, there are many things I want her to know, but I thought first of the things I learned a bit late. The things I wish I would have been taught directly or indirectly. I often obsess over think about these things, especially the things that I feel would’ve improved or changed things for me had I not had to learn from difficult experiences and situations.
I don’t view these things as lessons the people who raised me failed to teach me. I know each generation had even less knowledge and resources to work with than the previous, and I now have the opportunity to do things differently. These lessons are lessons that I had to learn from life experiences, not necessarily from being taught and they serve as an opportunity to be intentional about my words and actions when it comes to raising my daughter.
Dear Sweets,
Grief and joy can coexist.
I can’t remember where I saw this quote while I was pregnant with you, but it was a recurring theme throughout my pregnancy, especially as I approached your due date. I was experiencing so many highs and lows; I felt confused and also a bit guilty when I was experiencing both joy in times of grief and grief in times of joy. This is okay. It’s human. You’re human.
The grief that plagued me then and now as the holidays drew closer was the fact that you wouldn’t have the opportunity to experience the physical love, presence, and guidance of two very important women in my life: your great-grandmother and Great-great-grandmother. These two women, whom I was blessed to have in my life well into my twenties, played a major role in shaping me into the woman and mother I am today. When I was a child, our family often gathered at your Great-great-grandmother Ma’s house for most cold weather holidays and it is where I have so many cherished memories that you won’t get to have. Although this pains me, I find solace in knowing that as your mother, I get to lay the foundation and start the building of your own.
The joy that provided me comfort during those times, and still now, was the realization of just how abundant, loving, and resourceful your tribe of wonderful women is who will love and guide you and make so many beautiful memories with you throughout your lifetime. You have a host of blood and chose aunts an cousins who have cared for you since before you arrived in the physical. You have three beautiful grandmothers who will love and teach you in very different ways. And most importantly, you have me as your mother.
It’s okay not to be perfect, it’s an impossible feat.
I spent a good portion of my adolescence and part of early adulthood striving for unattainable perfection. I was a people pleaser when it came to, well… everything: academics, career, overall character perception, and image. I needed to be the good girl. Working hard always to perform well and overachieve has led to burnout in many ways throughout my life and I don’t want that for you.
I want you to know that it’s okay to make mistakes. You’re human. It’s going to happen. And while I’m not giving you an excuse not to do your best, I don’t want you bogged down by anxiety and pressure to perform well in all things, always.
Your grandmother will probably tell you the story one day of how I reacted to getting my first B. I was crushed. I wore “Straight A Student” like a badge of honor and felt my worth had somehow diminished because I received an 89%. My Sweets this isn’t a mindset I want you to have. Be free to be imperfect.
It’s okay to change your mind.
See Also: Reinvent yourself as often as you need to.
There were a lot of things I decided I knew for sure as a child, then teenager, and finally as an early adult. I’d held onto these thoughts and ideals and just KNEW they were definite. Everything from my beliefs about religion and relationships to my own personhood.
You couldn't tell me that I didn’t know who I was, what I stood for, and what I believed to be true about life. But of course, life experiences change things in the most unimaginable ways. There may come a time or two when you’ll wake up one day and realize you don’t know anything for sure. It may send you spiraling into an existential crisis but I want you to welcome the change. Sit in the discomfort but know that there is freedom on the other side.
Making some of the changes I have in my life was accompanied by a lot of guilt and shame that likely wouldn’t have existed had I known that it is okay, and normal, to change my mind. To grow and evolve. To acquire more knowledge and information with which to make decisions. I’ve been so many different versions of Ashleigh before you, and I’ve for sure been a couple of different mes since.
Love yourself always, even when you don’t like yourself.
This one. It took far too long to get to the point where I loved myself, especially because I didn’t like many things about myself at different points in my life. Sometimes I didn’t like how I looked. Other times I didn’t like how I felt. And sometimes I didn’t like how I thought, or acted, or what I believed. Because of this, it was hard to love myself. And it showed. It showed in how I carried myself, how I interacted with others, and how I allowed others to treat me. I now know the importance of loving myself, even if at the moment I don’t like myself.
I used to hate so many features on my face as a child that I am absolutely in love with as an adult. I wish I could go back and tell little me that folks spend thousands of dollars and hours to achieve what she’s been blessed with naturally. My Sweets I hope you grow to love you always, and I’ll be here to remind you.
You don’t have to stay with good people because they’re good.
In friendship or love, good people can still not be good for or to you. You don’t have to stay in a harmful connection because the person is kind, generous, or any characteristic attributed to “good” people. Especially if you’re no longer feeling loved, valued, and heard.
Sometimes you’ll have to leave people behind. It will hurt. It will be devastating. But it will be okay and for the best.
Pleasure is for you too.
You’re only three right now so I may catch heat for even including this one. But because of how I was brought up, it was ingrained in me early on that we as women are made to be of pleasure to men. It’s all about their satisfaction, keeping them happy, their enjoyment.
Sweets, I hope I am the first person to let you know that that is bullshit. Pleasure is for you too. We’ll have age-appropriate conversations throughout your life about this very topic because I want you to own your pleasure far earlier than I did mine. Guilt and shame-free.
Enjoy some of our mommy-daughter shots from this year’s holiday shoot.
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Heartfelt story today, you're so very blessed 🙏 Thank You for sharing, and will reStack ASAP 🤗💯👍
I love y’all pictures! And this post made me cry a little bit!