When 'home for the holidays' isn't good for your mental health.
On moving away from traditional holiday activities and ways to make the holiday a better experience for your mind, body, and soul.
Cause some families ain't shit and I am not here to tell you to spend time with ain't shit people. -
Given the season, and where I am mentally at this time, I thought it would be great to repurpose of blog post from 2018 from the Blogmas Chronicles.
The holiday season isn’t so merry and bright for a lot of people, for various reasons; grief, loss, childhood trauma, and/or toxic family environments are usually the biggest factors.
Some people don’t have a family home to return to for Christmas dinner. Some may not receive invites to holiday parties or gift exchanges, and maybe some can’t even be in the same room with their relatives without arguments breaking out and past conflicts resurfacing.
Fortunately, blood relatives I consider toxic aren’t around during the holidays so I don’t speak on these things from complete experience. But, the past few years of grief and loss have made what used to be my favorite time of year, a depressing one so I can speak from empathy.
Living far away from home and most of my immediate family, I usually take full advantage of holidays and major events to see them but this year I decided to stay in my neck of the woods and just have a restful time in solitude and spend Christmas day with my baby and her paternal family.
For some of you, going home for the holidays comes with A LOT of emotional baggage that barely fits in your carry-on. It means facing demons—both figurative and literal—that bring about the presence of toxic relatives, unpacked childhood trauma, and an overall downward spiral of any joy you had before the day.
It sometimes means sneaking off into a bathroom to cry and get through it. Or hiding the anxiety attack that is brewing, threatening to show itself at any moment. Home for the holidays may mean being in the continuous presence of some of the people who have caused (and may still cause) you the most pain, and yet because they are related by blood or marriage, you’re expected to deal with them.
So here are a few pieces of advice that I share, with love, that may make the holidays a little bit better for you:
Don’t be afraid to love from a distance.
This is something that I learned in therapy. Not everyone, regardless of relation, needs to be in your intimate space. You don’t have to involve them in your everyday life.
Be open and honest about your needs.
[Read: if you can] This is a tough one because chances are, the people whom you need to be open and honest with, will be least receptive of your truth. So I say this in an “I know it’s easier said than done, but still try” kind of way. If you hate when your overbearing mother nags about your love life and inquiries about future reproduction, tell her. If your uncle’s sly comments and jokes about your weight gain hurt you, tell him. Or, if constantly having to face the relative who may have touched you inappropriately is no longer something you want to accept “having” to do to keep the peace, say it to someone safe. Though they may not be receptive, you’ve spoken your peace.
Opt for a hotel instead.
I read a blog post about a woman who opted to book a hotel instead of staying with relatives to save the relationship and it was kind of genius. It’s a way to limit possibly triggering conversations and interactions, you have more time to recoup and you don’t have to always be “on.” The last time I stayed with my father for Christmas, he said that as long as I stayed in his home I had to attend church. A place he doesn’t understand isn’t a safe space for me. That was the last time I stayed the night at his place on a Saturday evening.
Limit your time at gatherings.
Family gatherings are not obligatory, especially if they put you back in a place mentally where you don’t want to be. This may mean skipping a holiday gathering or two, missing a couple of Sunday dinners, or only staying in the space for one hour instead of five.
Have a designated support friend.
Someone you love and trust. Someone you can text or call and just say “Hey, I’m not okay right now and I just need an ear.” This person should be someone you’ve already discussed the dynamics of your familial relationships with and is aware of your needs. I already have a few people who know this Christmas in particular may be difficult for me and have let me know that I can reach out anytime on the day of.
Enforce your boundaries.
You’ve worked hard to heal. You might’ve gone to therapy, done some soul-searching and shadow work, or have just made up your mind that you want things to be better for you. You’ve learned your triggers and built your boundaries, and moments like these present the perfect opportunities to enforce them. And they are usually when you need to put them into place the most. Don’t regress for their comfort.
Remember that family does not have to just be blood-related.
Here is permission to create your own family and traditions, if you need it. I am closer to some of my friends than I am to some of my relatives and I am okay with that, and better because of it. Family is who and what you make it. If you’d rather have a Friendsgiving, or spend Christmas day with the homies, that’s okay. Enjoy them however you can.
yes to all of this.
I’ve been staying at hotels since I was 25 - you would not catch me staying in any relatives house nothankyou 🙅🏼♀️