Sex at the function.
On recounting a time where hypomania got the best of me before my bipolar diagnosis.
Content Warning: In the following essay, I am recreating journal entries where I discuss being in a state of depression that sent me into what I now know was a hypermanic episode that included having sex at a party. I won’t be offended if you skip this one.
December 17, 2018
This weekend was mentally and emotionally hard, but I got through it. While in bed with my boyfriend, I lay there until about 4 o’clock in the morning, crying my eyes out. I felt overwhelming sadness deep in my bones, despite life being pretty good for me right now. A beautiful apartment in a bustling downtown city, an amazing man who loves me, and a great job that does more than just pay my bills.
I think that was the first time he’s seen how much I truly struggle—experiencing it firsthand rather than my recounting it through dark humor and oversharing. I’m glad I did, though. We’ve been dating for six months, and things have gotten serious. I don’t know how much longer I could have gone on masking the depth of my sadness from him. After we talked, I felt that he understood me better, and I felt even more loved by him. He said he’s here to support me in any way he can, which is a relief. Because I was sure I had scared him away. Even though I feel like shit, I’m looking forward to my friend’s party tomorrow.
December 19, 2018
I don’t know what came over me at the party. I can’t believe I did that. Sex. At a party. In someone else’s home. INDISCREETLY?! I had no reservations last night, I wanted, no NEEDED the release. Today, though, I feel so ashamed, so guilty. I know I technically had permission, but damn, I couldn’t wait until I got home? Has my sex drive gotten that out of control? Have I gotten that out of control?
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Currently.
Book Progress — I’m almost at the finish line with this proposal to begin querying. What a labor of love it has been for me. I have proposal fatigue, especially knowing that my agent will likely have edits once they bring me on. But we move forward.
Feeling — Emotional. Fragile.
Reading — Okay, y’all, Kennedy Ryan has had me in a chokehold, okay?! She’s awakened the reader in me, and I flew through her Skyland series (three books) in a little under five weeks. I haven’t read that fast in quite a while. I’m going to move on to her Harlem Renaissance series next; so many people said I’d enjoy Score since the main character has bipolar disorder.
Anticipating — My next two weekends will be filled with spending time with people I love. Bonus points if I actually get put into the mattress.
Contemplating — How to motivate myself to move forward while feeling in limbo during this transition over the next five weeks.
Affirming — I am proud of the person I am. I strive to be the best version of myself.
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