Stop ignoring the bipolar elephant in the room.
On things I'd tell my 23 year old self.
Stop ignoring the bipolar elephant in the room.
You’re not just regular sad now and then, you are clinically depressed. You aren’t just blessed with random elevated moods, you are experiencing hypomania. You can’t travel, exercise, or fuck away the pain. You need therapy and you need meds. You’re doing yourself and others around you a disservice by avoiding the truth and you nearly kill yourself doing so.
You’re in more codependent relationships than you realize.
You know that sneaky paranoia that makes you believe your friends don’t really like you? Well, some of that is paranoia due to the disorder, and some of it is intuition. Baby girl buckle up because many of your “bests” will soon become enemies and strangers. You’re not holding on for the right reasons and you aren’t obligated to continue to do so. Cut those ties to leave room for who and what is for you.
Leave that man.
Speaking of codependent relationships… You aren’t happy, he isn’t happy. He’s not your husband, and you aren’t his wife. Stop trying to make fetch happen and having a hand in breaking your own heart and his. The reason you keep breaking it off and returning is because you fear that is all there is for you but boo I guarantee you greater is in store, and from so many unexpected sources.
Date women.
You’re gay, okay? There. I said it for you. You won’t fill that romantic void that’s always present until you do. The best love you’ll ever know up until this point won’t be with a man. You do not have to continue to struggle to find your groove with men.
You won’t always feel alone.
I know this one might be hard to believe, but trust me. I know you love being alone, but you are not alone. You have so much love in your life and you gain even more. Your care and support system grows exponentially, and you become intentional about strengthening your connections. Don’t get me wrong, you still love healthy solitude, that’s your safe space. But, isolation is not your calling. You’ve decided to let folks in and were not disappointed.
Go up there.
This is the last time you’ll lay eyes on her while she’s breathing. This is the last time you’ll get to touch her, hug her, kiss her. I know she’s tired and you’re tired too but go up there and spend just five minutes more with her. Record the video, it’s not a corny idea. Because 32-year-old you is wishing she had a video of her Grandmother’s advice for when she’s missing her so.
Extend your stay.
Why are you rushing back for a job you hate and a man who can’t make you happy? You are in a beautiful country, with beautiful people, and only gave yourself the weekend to take it all in. Extend that reservation, change that plane ticket, and prolong that PTO. You’ll never come across another $124 round-trip ticket to Guatemala again.
Stop using your credit card.
Okay, I know I said to extend the trip, but don’t use your credit card to do so. You’re lying to yourself that you’ll always pay the balance off every month. You make good money, but not THAT good. The points and cash back aren’t worth the interest. And thanks to your hypomanic spending habits and unemployment, you’re still in credit card debt nine years later.
Get out of consulting.
You aren’t happy. You’re not supposed to be there. They’ll give you the run around about promotions you’ve earned, your counterparts will continue to make 10-20k more than you while you do that same way, you won’t get to touch the work that fulfills you, and your clients don’t get better. Leave. Run, don’t walk.
Thank you for starting the fight for your joy.
We eventually find it, I promise. There will be SO many good times. SO much love and light. I know that things are getting dark fast and frequently, but it won’t always be that way. It’s worth it in the end to keep on going.
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"Thank you for starting the fight for your joy. We eventually find it, I promise." This. But also, ALL of this is so so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Wow it's like you described me in my twenties too. Love this.