The juxtaposition of regret.
On being grateful and grieved by my life choices.
Two truths have been recurring thoughts for me lately: Ava Jewel is one of my greatest gifts, and she saved my life, but being forever tied to her father is one of the worst things to happen to my mental health.
Did I use juxtaposition here correctly? Because I’m never quite sure if I am, even after I’ve looked it up for confirmation. So let’s assume I used it correctly, or you know exactly what I’m trying to say.
I wrestle with a lot of feelings whenever my daughter’s father pisses me off or hurts my feelings, and each time I feel guilty about ruminating on the fact that not leaving before I had his child is one of my greatest life regrets. The guilt comes because it feels like I am saying I regret having my child. And I don’t feel that I do.
Ava Jewel came at a time when I needed something to live for. At the beginning of her life, there were so many times when the only thing that kept me from putting myself out of my misery was her presence. But what is also true is that the person her father is, the way he moves about the world, and the decisions that he makes are often a threat to my sanity.
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Currently.
Feeling — Exhausted and stressed. These have been an exhausting and stressful couple of weeks, but I’m here.
Doing — Partaking in cannabis.
Reading — About to start the last book in the Brown sisters series, “Act Your Age, Eve Brown.”
Anticipating — Everything working out because it always does.
Learning — With some things, I am the only thing in my way, and nothing will happen until I move.
Affirming — This too shall pass.
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