I had to stop along the way and wait for my glistening eyes to clear up again because this felt like an excavation of old bones I’ve yet to bury properly.
If we were in a theatre, this would have led me to give a standing ovation before you were even done.
Oof. Friend, I feel this so, SO deeply. We share so many of the same experiences of adolescence and young adulthood. And I wish we’d been tighter in high school, because I would have been hitting you over the head at all times with my favorite quote at the time, “if you can’t fuck with me in public, you ain’t fucking me in private.”
Maybe we could’ve been what we needed at the time. But I’m glad we are now what we needed back then.
I really appreciate your vulnerability here. It's interesting. It doesn't matter how many people tell me they're attracted to me, I still have this "four eyes" complex about being the nerdy, chubby girl with the glasses, and I'm 51. I LOVE your sharing. Thanks.
Wow, thank you for sharing this and for your vulnerability. It was truly painful to read, yet so glad you've found your worth and strength and beauty. I know it might be annoying to hear, but I truly believe true beauty shines through people from within and not all of us see beauty as society does. <3
The power of writing, your writing - I feel less alone in my own experiences having read what you've shared here. Thank you
It has always been difficult for me to recount and explain these kinds of experiences, which I'm still working through, to other people who were never on the receiving end of constant bullying and derision about their appearance.
Thank you (I know I said it already but the level of gratitude I'm feeling, it bears repeating)
Thank you so much for these words AMA, and for reading. These are the feelings I want to evoke while sharing my stories, especially with the people who can relate.
Whew, I appreciate you sharing this, the vulnerability it takes to put it out there like this is admirable. I feel it all so deeply in my own ways- those conventional “beauty standards “ are wild and it’s so crazy to me how early on we see and feel it. I hate when people try to compliment it away. It’s way deeper than words ♥️
I read this at work and I nearly started to cry. Society is cruel and is well-fed on people lying and knocking the hell out of people in order for some to feel a little less insecure and more powerful half the time. But your words are powerful and truth should be shared. Thank you.
I grew up in rural Colorado - an ultra white space. I was never considered beautiful, date-able, attractive, feminine, or anything. My skin color, my body composition, “urban” swap meet clothing, L.A. vibe, and braided hairstyles, wasn’t even on the male desire-radar or even valued by my white friends. Often, I was the mediator between my friends and the boys that wanted to date them, passing along notes and messages. Ultra-white 90’s Colorado had no space for someone like me. At 38, I now live on the East Coast with a variety of hues, colors, nationalities, ethnicity’s, cultural groups, languages and I love it. I’m going through a hormonal transition right now - menopause - and it has brought back and amplified the “ugly black gurl” feelings. I guess I’m still wrestling with those early life experiences. So much of your post really resonated with me and helped me to put things into perspective. Thank you for sharing your story (sorry for the long comment)🙏
Never apologize for a long comment with me. I enjoy hearing what my words brought up for someone else and their own stories of how it resonates. I hate that that was your experience and am glad you had a change of space! I currently live in the DMV and I definitely had more luck here than in Ohio where I'm from.
It was my response too, my way of taking action and making myself somewhat "relevant" (?)...the hours on 3-way mediating connections to have proximity to desire, attraction, romance...
And if I'm going partway with the truth, lemme just say it all... it's a knee-jerk reaction now to put myself in the role of the undesirable... it's what I've practiced and know best
This is an absolutely breathtaking piece and moved me to tears. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's given me so much to ponder today and truly made me feel.
For the past few months, this has also been my struggle. Your experience is almost a direct reflection of mine, and for that, it feels good to know I'm not alone and feel seen. Knowing the cause of my pain. At 38, this is the saddest I've ever been, and sometimes, this is why I dislike therapy. I'm being exposed to so many memories at once that I feel like giving up on the process. It's mentally exhausting. Thank you for being brave to tell your story and mine.
Please please don't give up. Sending you so much love and comfort. Doing the work to discover ourselves and the deeply rooted causes of our sadness and struggles. Thank you for reading and I hope things look up for you soon.
They called me “Sir Nose” in junior high. It stayed with me for most of my life. It’s only when I look back at myself as a mature adult that I realize, they were wrong.
Thank you for your vulnerability in storytelling. I hope that you feel your beauty. ♥️
Appreciate your vulnerability here. It’s so sad that people can be so cruel to each other. Hopefully those people are more mature now. I’m so glad to hear that you see your beauty now.
The TTG me wants to fight all of them who played you. Then I feel bad because when people make us feel like crap, something deep within them is unsettled 🥹.
Thanks for sharing this. It gives me a new perspective of what others experienced even if it isn’t my personal story. I didn’t even realize black and women weren’t an ideal consideration until my sophomore year of college as we learned about it in women’s study.
Ashleigh.
Your stories are revolutionary.
I had to stop along the way and wait for my glistening eyes to clear up again because this felt like an excavation of old bones I’ve yet to bury properly.
If we were in a theatre, this would have led me to give a standing ovation before you were even done.
Oh Katz, thank you so very much. I appreciate this comment more than you know!
Oof. Friend, I feel this so, SO deeply. We share so many of the same experiences of adolescence and young adulthood. And I wish we’d been tighter in high school, because I would have been hitting you over the head at all times with my favorite quote at the time, “if you can’t fuck with me in public, you ain’t fucking me in private.”
Maybe we could’ve been what we needed at the time. But I’m glad we are now what we needed back then.
I didn’t share how much I struggled in school back then but like you said, I’m glad we’re here now!
Beautiful and heart wrenching. Thank you so much for writing this.
Thank you for reading!!
I really appreciate your vulnerability here. It's interesting. It doesn't matter how many people tell me they're attracted to me, I still have this "four eyes" complex about being the nerdy, chubby girl with the glasses, and I'm 51. I LOVE your sharing. Thanks.
Thank you so much Viola and it’s wild how these things never leave us.
Wow, thank you for sharing this and for your vulnerability. It was truly painful to read, yet so glad you've found your worth and strength and beauty. I know it might be annoying to hear, but I truly believe true beauty shines through people from within and not all of us see beauty as society does. <3
Thank you for the reminder Matunda! And for reading. I know I am beautiful and that there are folks who see my beauty and I’m grateful for that.
<3
thank you for this.
The power of writing, your writing - I feel less alone in my own experiences having read what you've shared here. Thank you
It has always been difficult for me to recount and explain these kinds of experiences, which I'm still working through, to other people who were never on the receiving end of constant bullying and derision about their appearance.
Thank you (I know I said it already but the level of gratitude I'm feeling, it bears repeating)
Thank you so much for these words AMA, and for reading. These are the feelings I want to evoke while sharing my stories, especially with the people who can relate.
Whew, I appreciate you sharing this, the vulnerability it takes to put it out there like this is admirable. I feel it all so deeply in my own ways- those conventional “beauty standards “ are wild and it’s so crazy to me how early on we see and feel it. I hate when people try to compliment it away. It’s way deeper than words ♥️
“It’s deeper than those words” yes, exactly that! Those words can’t erase years of lived experiences.
I read this at work and I nearly started to cry. Society is cruel and is well-fed on people lying and knocking the hell out of people in order for some to feel a little less insecure and more powerful half the time. But your words are powerful and truth should be shared. Thank you.
Thank you so much for reading Caira!
Thank you so much. This has moved me and means a lot to me.
Thank you for reading!
I love when people tell the truth.
It hurts so good.
Thank you for sharing.
🙏🏾
For sure! Thank you for reading.
I grew up in rural Colorado - an ultra white space. I was never considered beautiful, date-able, attractive, feminine, or anything. My skin color, my body composition, “urban” swap meet clothing, L.A. vibe, and braided hairstyles, wasn’t even on the male desire-radar or even valued by my white friends. Often, I was the mediator between my friends and the boys that wanted to date them, passing along notes and messages. Ultra-white 90’s Colorado had no space for someone like me. At 38, I now live on the East Coast with a variety of hues, colors, nationalities, ethnicity’s, cultural groups, languages and I love it. I’m going through a hormonal transition right now - menopause - and it has brought back and amplified the “ugly black gurl” feelings. I guess I’m still wrestling with those early life experiences. So much of your post really resonated with me and helped me to put things into perspective. Thank you for sharing your story (sorry for the long comment)🙏
Never apologize for a long comment with me. I enjoy hearing what my words brought up for someone else and their own stories of how it resonates. I hate that that was your experience and am glad you had a change of space! I currently live in the DMV and I definitely had more luck here than in Ohio where I'm from.
being the "go between"... I relate
PWIs my whole child- and young adulthood
It was my response too, my way of taking action and making myself somewhat "relevant" (?)...the hours on 3-way mediating connections to have proximity to desire, attraction, romance...
And if I'm going partway with the truth, lemme just say it all... it's a knee-jerk reaction now to put myself in the role of the undesirable... it's what I've practiced and know best
This is an absolutely breathtaking piece and moved me to tears. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's given me so much to ponder today and truly made me feel.
Thank you Taylor!
For the past few months, this has also been my struggle. Your experience is almost a direct reflection of mine, and for that, it feels good to know I'm not alone and feel seen. Knowing the cause of my pain. At 38, this is the saddest I've ever been, and sometimes, this is why I dislike therapy. I'm being exposed to so many memories at once that I feel like giving up on the process. It's mentally exhausting. Thank you for being brave to tell your story and mine.
Please please don't give up. Sending you so much love and comfort. Doing the work to discover ourselves and the deeply rooted causes of our sadness and struggles. Thank you for reading and I hope things look up for you soon.
Thank you. God bless.
They called me “Sir Nose” in junior high. It stayed with me for most of my life. It’s only when I look back at myself as a mature adult that I realize, they were wrong.
Thank you for your vulnerability in storytelling. I hope that you feel your beauty. ♥️
They were absolutely wrong. And I absolutely do! Thank you Karen.
Appreciate your vulnerability here. It’s so sad that people can be so cruel to each other. Hopefully those people are more mature now. I’m so glad to hear that you see your beauty now.
Thank you so much. And I really hope so too. I'm no longer connected to many of them now.
The TTG me wants to fight all of them who played you. Then I feel bad because when people make us feel like crap, something deep within them is unsettled 🥹.
Thanks for sharing this. It gives me a new perspective of what others experienced even if it isn’t my personal story. I didn’t even realize black and women weren’t an ideal consideration until my sophomore year of college as we learned about it in women’s study.
Your story helps redefine a narrative.
Thank you so much Janae! I love when my words resonate with folks but I also love when folks who don't have a similar story, still enjoy my words.