What I see when I look at my naked body.
On wrestling with loving a larger body I feel trapped in.
Last week I did something I’ve always wanted to do: read my work at an in-person open mic night in front of a live audience. I was nervous, excited, anxious, scared—I did it anyway. I was so proud of myself but my celebratory feelings were quickly overshadowed by disappointment when I watched the video playback of my piece.
All I could think about after that was how large I looked.
It was jarring because I had actually lost weight at the top of the year and was starting to feel good in my body again. After receiving news of a friend’s suicide early last month, I resorted to comforting myself with food again. Non-stop. I ate too much and moved too little. I went from the couch to my bed, back to my couch again.. and it shows.
I spent all of this past weekend sulking over how I “let myself go” and regressed tremendously and felt like I was doomed to be trapped in this bigger body despite my efforts. I get back on track, and life throws me a curve ball that results in me taking a wrong turn towards binge town. Repeat cycle.
This morning I woke up resigned to not allow this one slip up to become a slide into self-loathing and more binging to soothe my disappointment and was reminded of a piece I wrote about my naked body.
I see my rolls. I see my stretch marks. I see all the places where my muscles used to be more visible than my fat.
I see scabs, bruises, and scars. The pimples that are long gone, and the ones newly forming.
I see the hair on my chest that I haven’t shaved in weeks. The stubble on my chin that I have yet to wax.
I see tangled, nappy, and uneven hair that I can’t currently run my fingers through.
I see features that have made me unattractive to my lovers.
I see my uneven breasts, boxy hips, and the dimples on my backside.
I see every last one of my perceived flaws from head to toe.
But..
I also see the beauty of my humanity.
I see my strength. My growth. The happiness I’ve put in work to obtain.
I see my heart, full of care and love for myself and others.
I see my beautiful mind, unique, intricate and sometimes weird.
I see my contagious smile. My lone dimple. My bodacious curves. My sexy lips. Oh, and DAT ASS, I definitely see that.
I see beautifully smooth chocolate skin that should be worshipped and celebrated.
When I look in the mirror I see every piece of me. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly.
I may not always like what I see when I see my naked body, but I strive to love and honor it all.
I’m holding on to that last line as a reminder to be gentle and patient with myself and offer grace when needed. Moving through this next week intentionally guiding myself back on track.
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I hate that we have to fight so hard to be happy in our bodies, in life. This is common but this is not normal. I heard that in Cuba, they don't have body positivity issues because they don't have advertising. People just walk around accepting themselves. Idk. It could be a lie. But I always find that I'm not OK with my body when COMPARE myself to others...or something elese I see. I hate that. I really do.
I think you and your body are amazing for getting through this difficult time and every difficult time before it. Bodies can be so frustrating, and I definitely have to remind myself sometimes that my body is constantly doing her best to help me survive. Sometimes she knows better, and sometimes my brain does, but the goal is ultimately the same - to keep me safe. I love that you're being gentle with yourself through this.