Wrestling with survivor's guilt.
On conflicting feelings resulting from a friend dying by suicide.
Content warning: This post is about surviving suicidal ideations and an attempt. If you are sensitive to this topic or do not want to read it, please protect yourself and skip this piece.
“What would you do with the power of time travel?”
Just a couple of days ago the answer to this question vastly differed from what it is today. Today, my answer is that I’d go back to September of last year and change the last conversation I’d ever have with a friend who died by suicide last week. Though I did so to enforce a boundary and to protect myself amid conflict, I respectfully asked not to be contacted again until said conflict was resolved.
Oh, how I wish I’d given a bit more context as to why I felt the way I felt so that he did not leave this world believing I hated him. I’d explain that the amount of emotional pain I was in at the time prevented me from being able to engage in conversation with him in the way he desired. I’d remind him, as I did before, that I did not hate him, I just disliked his actions and that we could have a conversation again once my heart was in a better place. His last reply, a simple “Okay” with sad and heartbroken emojis will haunt me for some time to come.
Survivor’s guilt.
This week has been spent feeling so many things. Sadness. Grief. Gratitude. Disbelief. The list goes on. Among them is guilt. Survivor’s guilt. I deeply grieve whenever I hear news of someone dying by suicide whether I knew them or not. And when that someone is someone I knew personally, I feel guilty.
“What makes me so special that I survived my attempt?”
“How and why am I able to push past ideations and find reasons to stay and they weren’t?”
“Why didn’t they get to have the access and support they needed and I do?”
All questions that continue to dance around in my mind. And then I feel horrible for seemingly making their death about me and then the sadness gets deeper.
Unsurprisingly, sleep hasn’t been my friend this week. I haven’t gone to the gym. I’ve eaten way too much. I’ve tortured myself with Googles about his method and news articles hoping to find more information. I’ve revisited previous conversations and interactions. And I’ve seen his face and heard his excited “heyyy boo!” as if he was still here numerous times—in denial hoping that somehow this is some big misunderstanding. That maybe he was misidentified and that some other unfortunate soul is lying in the morgue.
But that’s not the case. And he’s no longer here.
There’s an added layer of complexity that I don’t care to share that is adding to all of the feels I’ve experienced this week and I am grateful for those in my circle who have supported me through this. Though it is not always a successful method of prevention, I feel it necessary to include this closing statement:
If You or Someone You Know is in Crisis and Needs Immediate Help, please dial 988 to be connected to resources in your area.
If you’d like to read more of my experiences with suicidal ideations, here are a few posts for you.
Dear Yohanes, —a letter to a young man whose suicide made national news when he went missing and was last seen near the Golden Gate Bridge
Empathy for the chronically suicidal. —on coming to terms with the realization that I will always struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideations.
Robin Williams’ suicide still haunts me. —on grieving the masterful artist who silently struggled.
It's a jungle out there: feeling seen in "Mr. Monk's Last Case." —on feeling seen through Mr. Monk’s struggle with ideations.
Thank you for reading ‘here comes the sun.’
A special shoutout to my paid subscribers, I appreciate you all SO much! — Mommy, GG, Yetti, Jaydeen, Natazah, Erica, Sharie, Melanie, Amara, Rahima, Mariah M., Karen, Kimie, Mariah D., Jayla, Catherine, Oish, Niya, and Lanee.
If you would like to support another way outside of a monthly or annual subscription feel free to:
Share this or any other post with someone who may need it.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Ashleigh. I hope you've been able to be gentle with yourself. 🧡
I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing with us and I hope you are able to take the time to water yourself as needed.
I experienced a similar feeling a few years ago when my friend died of honestly... we're not sure what. His family wouldn't share the cause of death. The "what if i had done this instead" question came up very often in the beginning. But as the years go by, it's fallen to the wayside and I now focus on ways to remember my friend for the joy he brought me. I wish you a sound journey 💙