When depression joins your morning commute.

On getting through the day as depression looms from the start.

Note: This piece was originally written on April 10, 2019. This week, I experienced a temporary sadness on my way into the office and it reminded me of this time in my life where the sadness wasn’t so temporary and followed me around everywhere.

Photo by Justin Natividad on Unsplash

I'd been on autopilot all morning.

Actually, it’s been for some time now.

It took FOREVER to get the energy to get out of bed, get dressed, and head to work. The further I got from home, the worse I felt. Most time, I'm very self-aware so I know when a meltdown or anxiety attack is coming.

I get on the metro and I kid you not, I'm on the outside of my body just looking at myself . "Snap out of it chick, you're almost at work" is what I continue to tell myself. But of course, it isn’t helping.

I get to work and there's a HUGE lump in my throat and I feel a breakdown about to happen but I still press forward and attempt to start my work day.

I sit down at my desk and before I can turn on both of my laptops, I get a text from my manager saying our client wants to move our 3 pm meeting to 9:30, it's currently 9:22.

That text was the final straw because I wasn't even mentally prepared for the day, let alone a client meeting in 8 minutes. I excused myself to a privacy room and broke completely down. I know better than to try and NOT cry, and I’m no stranger to public breakdowns, so I let the tears flow freely. I'm no longer in the space where I fight my breakdowns, attacks, or episodes because sometimes it's more exhausting to fight it than it is to just let it happen, let it pass, and regroup.

I gave myself the time to at least be okay enough to talk and called my manager, still crying of course. I explained that I had been having a rough morning and was unable to gather myself enough to be able to meet. I found out later in the day that my client meant for us to meet at 9:30 the next day and thought, “man, that whole breakdown was for no reason.” But, I’m happy it happened when it did because I just would have been on edge all day, expecting it at any moment.

If you’ve been having days like this lately, I see you, I'm with you, and even though it may not feel like it, we got this!

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The upside of feeling down.

Dear Perpetually Sad Ash, joy is yours to have.

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