Why I'm no longer a Christian.
On why I stepped away from the faith some years ago.
Note:
I have so many written pieces about my deconstructing and unlearning journey.
I have shied away from posting some of them because I did not want to be perceived wrong. I’m not an ex-Christian whose mission is to let folks know constantly and to convince them to walk away too. I want folks to do and believe whatever feels true and authentic to them.
My recent post about my time in purity culture has so far been my most engaged with post. I was asked more about my journey in Notes and several people have hopped in my DMs about it. This happens any time I post about no longer being a Christian. It’s so clear to me that so many folks have found themselves in the same space, or fighting to keep the faith.
For this reason, I’ll be posting more of my drafts on the topic. This is so many people’s stories and struggles. Some feel like they have fully conquered and healed, while others are still unlearning and conflicted.
I have to remind myself that this is a part of my journey too, and I can talk about it. This post below was a two-part post originally posted on my blog some years ago and I am editing and reposting it here. Even then I was a bit shocked at the response to the first part. While I knew it would be a hot topic, I didn’t know just how many of my peers were feeling the same way.
While I had planned to only let a few days pass between the two, I had continuous reservations about “diving deeper” and being hounded with more questions or attempts at saving me. So I left it in the drafts.. until now.
Out of everything I’ve ever shared publicly this, by far, is the hardest piece I’ve ever written.
I’ve gone back and forth about whether I wanted to talk about it publicly and because it is—or was, rather—a major part of my life and my identity, I feel it’s only right to do so. And of course, to help others who may be wrestling with the same thing and feel ashamed, scared, or confused about what they feel.
Fear, as always, played a HUGE role in why it took me so long to decide to write about this. Recently, I touched on it in another post and it was well-received. Naturally so, some people had and still have questions out of genuine concern. It gave me hope that I could honestly and transparently write about this without negativity or judgment.
But, I know better.
I’m sure there will be folks who NEVER read my posts but will because of the subject. They will judge, they will view me differently. They will be disappointed, they will talk about me, they will question why, and may even love or like me a little less. But, what is certain is that they will live.
This post is absolutely NOT a cry for help.
I know all of the scriptures, I’ve sought all the “wise counsel” and this decision was in no way an easy one, or made lightly.
I know you some of you will question my sanity because of my mental illness. I know some of you will be fearful of where I will spend eternity. And I know you will want to “bring me back.” I know because I’ve been there with others who are where I’m at.
So be nice, or be blessed and blocked.
What Was I Most Afraid Of?
Honestly, the opinion of others. But a beautiful part of growing up and growing as a person is that I’ve begun to care less and less about what others think of me. I will not lie and say it doesn’t sneak up and try to paralyze me from time to time, but my days of people-pleasing are over.
I grew up in the church. In my youth, I sang in the choirs. Had a short stint on the Usher Board. And was active in the teen ministry. In college, I was on the executive board of a bible study group, I even co-led a purity ministry. And I joined two different praise teams. Church was life. I’ve met some AMAZING people in my years of being heavily involved in the church and I didn’t want to disappoint them. I didn’t want others’ faiths to waiver because of mine. My life and my walk in Christianity brought a few to Christ and helped strengthen the relationships of many others and I would hate to know that my decision to leave made them question theirs.
But, this is my truth to tell, and my life to live.
Why Did I Step Away From Christianity?
In 2015 I made the tough decision to stop attending church. Honestly, too many things within the body of Christ as a whole hadn’t sat well with me for some time. Growing up in the church, being a PK, and having an entire family full of preachers, made attending church a big part of my existence. When I first began to have thoughts of leaving the church I was ashamed, scared, and confused but after I left, it was like a rock the size of Mount Everest was removed from my back.
Last year I was finally honest with myself in admitting that I no longer believe in God and religion in the way that I was taught. And I feel peace and comfort in making that decision. Far more peace and assurance than I ever had in the faith.
This decision was a result of too many things within the faith not sitting well with my spirit or mind for some time. I no longer felt comfortable in church or attending church events, and I no longer felt authentic in my worshipping and praying. And no part of me genuinely believed in God the same way.
Surface Level Reasons
The majority of the body isn’t a representation of who I am, what I believe, and how I authentically behave.
A faith that is meant to “set free” was often oppressive and unjust.
My unsettled spirit contributed to the decline of my mental health.
There is a lot of confusion within the faith. Plenty of contradictions within the bible and its teachings. And too much is left to the dangerous interpretations of others.
I’ve had to unlearn a lot of damaging theologies to live an authentic life.
If God is real, he is neither just nor fair and I just can’t jive with how the world was created and what has been allowed to happen.
My beliefs made me judgemental.—I can’t put this blame on anyone but myself but I’d be lying if church culture didn’t contribute to my judgment of others.
How I View God Now
I’m not the antichrist. I say “I’m no longer a Christian” and people swear they heard “I worship the devil, satan is Lord!” and that’s just not the case.
I know there is a higher power or source or reason for existence, I just don’t know what that is. And I’m okay with that because I feel like it’ll drive me crazy hopping around to different practices and faiths in search of “truth.”
My Advice For Anyone Feeling The Same
If the only reason you are staying in the faith—despite everything in your being telling you to leave—is for others, you know what you need to do to be free. You don’t need to stand on a mountaintop and shout it to the world or post about it like I am. You don’t even have to tell anyone you’re uncomfortable telling. But, continuing to pretend as though you still identify with something you don’t will only hurt you more in the long run. And if there is anyone you should always be honest with in this life, it is yourself.
Be free, my love.
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Ashleigh, I honor your courage for sharing. Religion is such a touchy subject especially for Africans like me.
I'm going through a reconditioning which I became fully aware of in 2020, but I had been struggling with church long before then. It was in 2021 during the pandemic I finally decided to stop associating with church all together. I too grew up in church. I was in the choir, served in other church "units", even influenced a close friend to join after university. My mom was & still is very active so a lot of my influence came from her.
I was active but deep down none of the church culture & religion made sense to me. The fact that they tacitly (some openly) encourage the abuse and exploitation of women was offensive to my spirit.
Will I write about it, maybe, maybe not. One thing I know is never to impose my beliefs or try to get anyone to see what I see or explain myself. If I sense that the person is ready for it, then I'm all in gradually. I'm doing the same with my sister.
It's not my duty and who am I to impose my beliefs on people? A practice which is also part of the reasons I left the church.
Thank you for diving deeper and sharing your truth. Let’s normalize being able to freely say, “I’m no longer a Christian” without fear of judgement. Be free, sis!