Community aid is saving my ass.
On what it feels like to be living off the assistance of my tribe and other thoughts.
I was just sitting here thinking about writing. That’s what I’ve been doing a lot of this week—thinking about writing instead of actually writing. So here’s my attempt to not do that today. I grabbed and opened my laptop, opened a new tab on the already open browser, and hit my Substack dashboard bookmark.
When I think about how I am surviving off of the resources of others, both financial and non, I am filled with gratitude more so than shame.
That wasn’t true for my first bout with unemployment. When I first needed to rely heavily on my people to stay afloat, I felt so much shame and sadness around it. Not to pump myself up, but I was usually the giver. It brought me genuine joy to be able to help others in their time of need. A lot of my time was spent volunteering, and a lot of my money was spent on family, friends, and strangers in their rough times, too. I don’t say that to brag or boast, but it is my truth. It added another layer of grief for me in that time because I no longer had the mental or financial resources to help others but was in need of the aid of my community. It took a friend to remind me that I sowed seeds in my time of wellness that created the harvest I’m receiving now, and I was able to change my whole outlook over time.
This second time around, I’m more accepting, grateful, and audible than ever before when it comes to asking for and receiving help.
My bills are paid because of those of you who love me and want to see me here and thriving.
I’m eating because of those of you who give eight of the few dollars you receive a month to read more about me.
My bookcase is full because of those of you who buy me books.
I am thriving in the midst of being shaken because of you.
I’m scared of my book’s possible success.
This piece of work has no choice but to do well because it is so needed in the world today. And I am scared of that success. Which is why I’m still going after it but also why I’m having bouts of writing paralysis. Like I mentioned above, I’m doing A LOT of thinking about my book. What stories to tell. What journal entries to use. How to merge in stories of the past that are out of scope of the timeperiod. This thing is my baby. And I know it will change and save lives. I guess I’m “borrowing from tomorrow’s worries” and thinking about all that will come with it, but I can’t help that I’m this way. Let us thank Zoloft for reducing the frequency and intensity of it’s happenings.
The separation from my baby girl hurts more than I thought it would.
Yesterday while on Facetime with my Sweets she said “Mommy I want you to come here in the morning okay? I want you to stay here.” It broke my heart because I want the same. I know I need to give myself grace and time to adjust, but transitioning to physically seeing her for only a couple of weekends a month unless I drive to Maryland has been tough. I miss her. I miss feeling more a part of her life. And, admittedly, I miss feeling more in control of what happens to her. What care she’s receiving, what she’s learning, what she’s watching. All of it is nagging at me. But, life moves on right?
From a meme I saw yesterday, “I know this too shall past but.. like when..approximately?”
Currently.
Feeling — A lot of everything. Grateful. Worried. Anticipatory. Sad.
Reading — “Getting to Happy” it’s the sequel to “Waiting to Exhale.” It’s SO good. I’m finishing it today.
Listening — The sounds of my mother’s apartments. The heat, her ice maker, the noisy neighbors.
Anticipating — Still, the R&S writing retreat is next week, and I am looking forward to hearing back about my last interviews.
Contemplating — A lot about life.
Affirming — Better always comes.
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This was beautiful sis.
"It took a friend to remind me that I sowed seeds in my time of wellness that created the harvest I’m receiving now..."
Thank you for your vulnerability and your openness about sacrifice. It takes sacrifice to be open enough to ask for help. You’re sacrificing your ego. 💜🌻