I've become a weekend momma.
On navigating motherhood, co-parenting, and life transitions.
I used to joke with men I was in relationships not to slip up and get me pregnant. They needed to prepare for single fatherhood if they did because I’d be a weekend momma. Since I was twelve, I’ve told anyone who would listen that I was not having children. Though I’d been around children all my life in a care-giving capacity and was good at it, it was not a desire of mine to do so full-time. So many factors led to the decision not to have children. Early on, it was my relationship with my mother and siblings; as I came of age, it was selfishness and a desire for freedom, later my mental health, and then also finances. I had resigned that children were not in my future unless I became a foster parent.
There was a brief moment in time when that all changed. I eventually began to desire to have children when I was chest-deep into the honeymoon phase with my daughter’s father and planning a life with him. The deeper in love I fell, and the more I considered him in my future plans, the more my maternal instincts kicked into overdrive, and I wanted to have his child. It didn’t help that during a discussion about possibly procreating, he said, “Children raised by you would be such a contribution to this world. You can’t deprive the world of that.”
But, as our relationship soured, I quickly realized my desire to have children, his children, was a direct result of me initially being the happiest I’d ever been in a relationship. At the time, I was receiving love, care, and support from a partner on a level I hadn’t yet experienced, so of course, I wanted to do what I could to bring joy and happiness into his life. Even if that meant changing my mind about something, I had been so sure of up until that point.
Fast forward a couple of years, New Year's 2020. I had decided that I was finally going to end my relationship, move out, and start the process of healing. But, in April 2020, just after the world shut down, I discovered I was pregnant. Initially, I decided that I was going to terminate the pregnancy. The world was shut down; I was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my relationship had failed, and I had no family around to help physically. But after a couple of weeks of soul searching and contemplation, I began to feel selfish and guilty for deciding to terminate when so many others have successfully parented with so much less in far worse circumstances. I asked my child’s father what he wanted to do, and his first answer was, “It’s not my decision to make. It is your choice, and I support it.” So I got more specific with my questioning and asked, “I know that it is my decision to make, but I want your input. If it was your decision to make, what would you do?” He immediately answered, “I’d keep it.” And so I kept it, and I gave our relationship one more try until I couldn’t do it anymore. Here we are four years later, navigating co-parenting, compromise, and communication.
To be honest, motherhood hasn’t been the easiest for me. This has been the most exhausting and trying four years of my life, even without the presence of a child. As an infant, my Sweets was such a chill baby. I was blessed that as I navigated postpartum, new medication, and sleep deprivation, she was a gem of a child. But then those toddler years came in and took me the fuck out. It has been hard on top of complex, and I found myself dreaming often of a life where I was not primarily a parent. I didn’t enjoy having those thoughts, and they indeed came with their share of guilt. Still, mental illness, financial instability, career uncertainty, and conflict with her father made me desire that reality more frequently.
I got my chance when planning custody arrangements with my daughter’s father. I was sure that I was moving and we needed to agree. My recent move back home to Cleveland, OH, from the DMV means my daughter is in her father’s care, primarily in Maryland. Initially, we agreed that she would spend every weekend with me in Ohio, us meeting up halfway to exchange, but he has since gone back on that and only desires that arrangement every other weekend. After heated back and forth, I decided that I no longer wanted to fight him for the sake of fighting him and gladly conceded. I guess. I wanted a break, and I got one.
Though the overwhelming majority of my inner circle favors whatever is best for Ava and me, my choice often comes as a surprise, albeit a pleasant one, to folks. When there’s a break in a family unity that physically separates them, everyone automatically assumes the mother will take primary custody of the child. So I’ve received a lot of well wishes for us on “our move” and a welcome or two for Ava to Cleveland, and quite a few “when will I see Ava?!s” And when I show up to my family’s homes I get a “Where’s Ava?” Sometimes, I explain our arrangement and other times, I just accept the pleasantries.
This both was and wasn’t an easy decision to make. Is that possible? On one hand, I was like, “Absolutely, weekend mama me!” And on the other hand, “I can’t leave my baby!!!” I had to let go of thoughts that I was somehow “leaving” her by agreeing to move without her. Because I am me, I overthought this arrangement. Would this be her first memory of disappointment in me? Will this have an impact on our relationship in the future once I move back? What if I don’t move back? Will she grow to resent me? Is her father really capable of full-time parenting? How will this impact her emotionally? I still have these thoughts sometimes.
I had to remind myself that for the first six months of her life, it was her and I just about all day, every day. Yes, we lived with her father. And, he is a present father. But I had six months of maternity leave, and for him, work was life so I was always in her face. Coming off of a dissociative state during that time, I once suddenly started to feel intense sorrow and guilt. I felt like I was spending enough time with her. Stimulating her brain. Or showing her enough love. I asked her father one day, “Hey, do you think I spend enough time with Ava?” He looked confused and replied, “What are you talking about? You’re ALWAYS with her. If anything, I could stand to spend more time with her.” And I was equally confused because I couldn’t really recall the moments of care and love, the diaper changes, the singing of songs, the cuddles, the sleepless nights. My mental health prevented me from remembering those moments, and because of that, I felt like I was an absent mom. She has seen me and her father consistently more than any other humans in her life, and I have to trust that the foundation I’ve built with her is enough. I know that Ava and I’s bond is strong. She tells me I’m her best friend (she does say that to Dad, too, and that’s okay). And even though she prefers her dad right now, she gets so excited to see me now.
As much as I joked about becoming a weekend momma and welcomed the change, the transition has been harder on me than I thought it would be. The first weekend of our new arrangement, my child came back as a whole new person. She had an instance where she hit another where she pushed, and her behavior was just off the charts in ways it hadn’t been before. Of course, guilt and confusion swept over me. Wondering if this was the right decision and if she’s experiencing too many transitions at once. Seeing Mom less. Seeing Dad more. Moving out of one of the first homes she has memories of. Moving on from the daycare, she’s been in three of her four years. And starting a new one. Babygirl could be stressed or internally panicking and grace for us both is necessary.
It also doesn’t help that she is not a fan of FaceTiming me. She gets visibly upset and says, “Aww man, I don’t want to talk to you today, Mommy!” She tells me we’ve had “too many talks” and that she only once, maybe two of them. She rushes me off the phone by saying, “Are we done talking yet?” or “Is it time to say bye-bye now, Mommy?” and I have to remind myself that she is a toddler and not to be too hurt. It ensures that I am a more present and patient mother when I am with her. We’re barely a month into this new arrangement, and there are definitely some growing pains. But I look forward to figuring out this groove with my Sweets and even her dad.
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I've had the same arrangement, I've had it looked at in several ways by others. As a responsible decision given my mental instability at times. Me running away from responsibilities. Judging harshly and forgetting I am a parent still. My ex's primary custody has given them a stable and wonderful home, and I see them frequently. We're unusual because we've never fought over things, we put in time and effort to coparent as best we can. I wish all co-parenting families were like ours. It's unusual but it's been the best choice and a positive one for everyone.
I just stumbled across your page and I am grateful for it. From one momma to another, I'm rooting for you. Once when I was agonizing over a decision, a friend told me, "This isn't permanent. It's just right now. You can always do something different" and it helped.
Kudos to you for finding what works for you and Ava!