Laughing at God's plans.
On not being convinced that everything is all a part of a divine plan for our lives.
Prompt: God’s Plan
Recently, an associate of mine sent me a video of a Christian influencer telling the story of lost sheep. Unable to find their Shepherd (God), they begin to exhibit harmful behaviors such as bashing their heads into a tree, often causing deep wounds or death. According to him, the sheep acted this way because they didn’t know what else to do without the guidance of their leader. They then needed their leader to anoint their heads with oil to heal their self-inflicted wounds, only then could they be made whole.
I think the part of the video that led this person to send it to me was his comparison of the sheep’s self-harm to suicide in depressed people. I’m paraphrasing but he said something along the lines of “That’s why there’s so much depression and stuff out there. If you see people doing things that aren’t befitting of them, that’s that same banging of the heads.”
Along with the video, this person sent a message reminding me that “I may be done with God but he’s not done with me.” This wasn’t the first time they sent a message like this, and these days my tolerance for these types of thoughts is non-existent. I know not everyone is chronically online like me and won’t see everything I post, but I’m pretty vocal about being triggered by such messaging and preferring not to receive them. Yet and still, she sent it along knowing that it may not be received well because it began with the disclaimer of “I don’t know how this will be received.” I politely asked her to stop sending me these kinds of messages and I hope that’s the last of receiving them.1
It really pisses me off when people insinuate that any ailment or affliction, mental illness included, is all a part of God’s grand plan for someone’s life.
My life.
If there is someone up there who intentionally designed my brain the way that it is just for the sake of doing so, how can you blame me for not wanting parts in spending my life showing gratitude for that? Sorry, not sorry, for complaining for a bit but having this brain is an exhausting feat sometimes. Yes, I know it could be worse. Yet… here I am still lamenting.
I spent this past Christmas morning sobbing outside after being triggered by the virtual presence of someone I did not want to speak to at all that day, or ever again actually. This is a part of my brain’s functioning that I abhor. The ability to be instantly sent into an emotional spiral, unable to settle my heart or mind enough to not break down in front of my soon-to-be-four-year-old and my already worried great aunt. She later joked that she was scared I would jump in the pool or completely lose it out there all while trying to keep an eye on my daughter.
I then spent the next few days obsessively planning how to pack up and move cross-country move. We know I love a good “run as far away as I can” action when sent into a hypomanic state. I felt compelled to make this move happen even though I currently have no job, or funds, and need to figure out how to effectively co-parent through it all with a person hell-bent on being deceitful and dishonest.
They say God laughs at our plans but if this was his for my life, I’m laughing at his.
Currently.
Feeling — Tired. It’s currently 5:57 am and I’ve tossed and turned all night. All because I wanted to stay up a little later (past midnight) and finish reading.
Reading — I just finished “The Moth Presents: All These Wonders,” what an inspirational read. It’s hard to write a review for it because it was just that, inspiration to keep living and keep telling stories. I’ve also just started “Nonviolent Communication” and “Deeply Personal.”
Listening — My guilty pleasure lately has been BigXThaPlug. He samples so wonderfully. His words just flow. I’m not much of a rap fan, but I’m a fan of him.
Anticipating — Finding a job that will make my next move possible. I want out of here sooner rather than later and before Ava starts school.
Contemplating — What I want more and less of this year. I didn’t create a vision board but I did begin to fill out a simple sheet that lists what I want more of this year on one side, and less of on the other.
Affirming — I am deserving of the love that I seek.
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And if you feel led to respond to this with similar messaging, don’t.
The way my eyes opened wide when I read why they sent that message. The lack of empathy and critical thinking is jarring af and the fact that they don’t recognize that but think they’re actually being helpful is even worse. 🫂
I'm so sorry. I find messages like that triggering as well. You deserve better. 🧡