I am going to finish this book, dammit.

On feeling a bigger push now more than ever to get my body of work out into the world.

Dec 17, 2024

What previously would have probably been my 13th reason, has left me feeling more ready than ever before to finish my book and face this next season of life.

The real heroine of the story, my trusty old Macbook Air 2015.

Story Time

Sunday evening I was participating in a co-writing workshop titled “workin’ on my book,” when my laptop suddenly shut off without warning. I’ve known for some time that my battery was shot based on how loud my fan can be and how quickly it dies off the charger, but I’d never experienced this before. I began to panic internally when, instead of booting back up, my screen kept entering the Apple logo bootup page and quickly turning off again. This went on for about five minutes before it finally stayed on and I rejoined the workshop.

I noticed that my laptop continued to lag until finally, it shut off for good. No amount of toggling the power key, charger, or boot-up keys would make the screen come on again. My initial thought was “This is NOT the time for this. I mean, no time is the time for this, but especially not THIS time. I’m applying for jobs, writing on substack, attending workshops, and writing a boo—” And then I remembered my book and my heart sank. After searching and comparing all of the available book-writing software options, I opted for a dated, desktop-based software to write my manuscript instead of a web cloud-based one and it was stored on my laptop. If I couldn't get it to turn on and this was a hard drive issue, it could be lost for good.

I spent the rest of the evening well into the morning using my phone to Google possible solutions and lament in real-time in my IG stories and here on Substack about how devastating this was. The possibility of losing my manuscript for good? I couldn’t face or accept that. As distressed as I felt, I wouldn’t allow myself to panic or spiral. I couldn’t allow myself to panic or spiral or even cry. Accepting that my book was gone would have been something I could not easily come back from emotionally or mentally. Almost 40,000 words gone? Nah. I told myself that I was not allowed to break down until I heard the words “There’s nothing we can do.”

Besides, I know my technical capabilities and drive to figure some technical shit out when I need to, and knew that I would put my all into figuring this out before I gave up. I made a Genius Bar appointment for the next day and resolved to leave it alone and read until I heard from the professionals. I wasn’t too worried about the actual laptop because I planned to replace it in 2025 anyway, and I still had a working 2015 Macbook Air. I was prepared to say “I don’t care what you do about the machine, just PLEASE for the sake of my life and sanity, recover my book.”

It’s not easy for me to be optimistic about a situation, my default is to head straight towards the worst-case scenario, but I remained hopeful that it would work out, even if I was slightly sick to my stomach.

At my Genius Bar appointment, the Apple technician confirmed what I already knew. My Macbook was likely fried, there was the presence of water damage, and the only repair solution was the same price as the starting price of Macbook Airs so it made no sense to do so. He suggested using local data recovery services, costing somewhere between $300-$400, to try and retrieve my manuscript. I didn’t have that to spend, nor did I want to spend that on something I could do myself.

I couldn’t accept this answer. I asked him more about what he noticed and he let me know that he was able to power on the laptop when he disconnected the battery and connected the power source, but once he reconnected the battery and disconnected the power source, it shut off. That let me know that there was a possibility that I could recover my book on my own.

I asked the technician to leave the back of my laptop open so that I could investigate on my own at home and try to access the laptop without battery power. When I returned home, I was able to recover my book and all my other files stored on my laptop. I can even access it via the power cord only and am considering the option of just replacing the battery until I can afford a new one after letting it chill out for a bit.

I am so proud of myself.

The main reason I started writing this essay is because I am just so damn proud of how I handled and worked through this situation. At times prior, this would have been the cause of a 72-hour hold or the beginning of a meltdown filled with ideations and intrusive thoughts.

But, I acknowledged my feelings, leaned on my own knowledge and abilities, and remained hopeful throughout without unnecessarily traumatizing myself. I did that shit!

I am happy to report that the technician was able to erase my old Macbook Air so that there was enough storage to update it to the most recent operating system capable, iOS 12 so that I could use it in the meantime. I was having trouble doing this on my own because of the storage issue of previous iOS updates taking up space and didn’t know if it would be possible to update at all. I am so grateful that I can do all of the activities that are a priority for me right now without interruption:

Update my resume and apply to jobs.
Write on Substack.
Access my book files.
Transfer my manuscript to a web-based application.
Finish transcribing the last of my video journals.

Me testing out the most important activities I need to be focusing on right now.

Currently.

Feeling — So very grateful and blessed. This experience really taught me some valuable lessons that I’ll carry into this next season of life.

Reading — “Juliet Takes a Breath” by Gabby Rivera, finishing the last few pages right after I hit publish!

Listening — The sound of my apartment, which is never truly silent because I have a loud ass water dispenser constantly whirring about.

Anticipating — Finishing my video journals because that makes me feel more ready to finish my book. It has been such a ride “researching” myself and being reminded of all the mes I’ve been before.

Contemplating — What I will do if I don’t find employment soon. I’m not necessarily worried with tax season around the corner. But, last time around it took a year to find employment and I can’t afford that again.

Affirming — Things will always work out for me, even when I can’t see a way through.

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