I won't go through your phone anymore.
On why I no longer invade partner's privacy in that way.
A friend and I were talking about using iMessage on our Macs. I talked about being too paranoid to ever use it on mine. I think somehow, some way, someone will be able to go through my messages. I probably feel this way because I once went through a partner’s texts through this very method.
For multiple reasons, I’ve gone through previous partners’ messages at various times of turmoil in our relationships. I felt entitled to know the information I sought, and I didn’t think I could get an honest answer if I asked directly. Sometimes, I did ask. And sometimes, most times, my inquiries were met with lies instead of the truth.
At the time, I felt validated in wanting to know.
Each time that I did it, whatever suspicions I had at the time were usually confirmed. Well, maybe not every time, but most times. It fueled my desire to continue to do it. I didn’t realize that I was continuing to have a hand in breaking my own heart. Finding this information only really hurt me in the end because each time, I still stayed. What was the purpose in continuously exposing myself to their secrets— everything ranging from infidelity to their true feelings about me—if I wasn’t going to leave?
I am not proud of this behavior and I don’t excuse it.
It was wrong, flat out. And I no longer do it. Yes, because it is an invasion of privacy, but, I also feel differently about my entitlement to this information. Now? If I am in a relationship where I don’t believe I can get honest answers from my partner, I know that that is a sign that I probably shouldn’t be in it. And also, I wouldn’t want a partner reading my messages (they have) and even more, my journals. So why would I do it?
There are so many toxic behaviors I used to exhibit in relationships that I’ve moved away from. For the sake of the relationship and most importantly, myself. I try to no longer have a hand in breaking my own heart these days, you know? The world does enough of that.
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As the facilitator of a support group for narcissistic abuse victims, we had a 'rule' we discovered and which you mentioned in your article.
You said: What was the purpose in continuously exposing myself to their secrets— everything ranging from infidelity to their true feelings about me—if I wasn’t going to leave?
We said in our group that the relationship is over the first time you check their phone. For abuse survivors, we may have checked the phone to show us what we already knew and to give us strength to leave.
Wow. The world does enough of that😮💨