I won't go through your phone anymore.

On why I no longer invade partner's privacy in that way.

A friend and I were talking about using iMessage on our Macs. I talked about being too paranoid to ever use it on mine. I think somehow, some way, someone will be able to go through my messages. I probably feel this way because I once went through a partner’s texts through this very method.

For multiple reasons, I’ve gone through previous partners’ messages at various times of turmoil in our relationships. I felt entitled to know the information I sought, and I didn’t think I could get an honest answer if I asked directly. Sometimes, I did ask. And sometimes, most times, my inquiries were met with lies instead of the truth.

At the time, I felt validated in wanting to know.

Each time that I did it, whatever suspicions I had at the time were usually confirmed. Well, maybe not every time, but most times. It fueled my desire to continue to do it. I didn’t realize that I was continuing to have a hand in breaking my own heart. Finding this information only really hurt me in the end because each time, I still stayed. What was the purpose in continuously exposing myself to their secrets— everything ranging from infidelity to their true feelings about me—if I wasn’t going to leave?

I am not proud of this behavior and I don’t excuse it.

It was wrong, flat out. And I no longer do it. Yes, because it is an invasion of privacy, but, I also feel differently about my entitlement to this information. Now? If I am in a relationship where I don’t believe I can get honest answers from my partner, I know that that is a sign that I probably shouldn’t be in it. And also, I wouldn’t want a partner reading my messages (they have) and even more, my journals. So why would I do it?

There are so many toxic behaviors I used to exhibit in relationships that I’ve moved away from. For the sake of the relationship and most importantly, myself. I try to no longer have a hand in breaking my own heart these days, you know? The world does enough of that.

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