I'm one catastrophic world event from believing we're living in a simulation. [Q&A]
On answering reader questions about myself.
Why do you think you were born? Why here? Why now?
Honestly, I’m one major catastrophic world event from believing we’re living in a simulation theory and none of this matters. But if I am to believe I’m here to fulfill a divine purpose, at this time, it would be to inspire others to keep living. Keep living through all the shit that life throws at us. Finding ways to stay here and dare to try and enjoy it. Accepting that we’re flawed beings who will constantly be learning and failing, and trying to get it right. Giving permission to talk about the taboo, icky, and uncomfortable. Audaciously revealing what the world wants us to hide in shame.
Why now? That part I don’t know. My whole life I’ve been told I had an old soul and was wise beyond my years. I used to say I was born in the wrong decade but I can’t truly fathom living in some of the times before now because of what it was like for people who look like me. So I’ll accept that I was supposed to be alive now to impact the world of this time.
What’s something that people are usually surprised to find out about you?
The number one thing people are usually surprised to find out about me is that I’m an introvert. People equate being active and vocal on social media with being extroverted in real life and that isn’t the case for me. This isn’t just surprising for folks who only know me through the World Wide Web. Some people who have met me in a social setting and observed me cosplaying as a social butterfly are shocked to find out I probably went home after that event and did nothing for the next week to recover. I am an extroverted introvert who loves intentional and deep connections with folks, quality over quantity this way. Big crowds and parties overwhelm and agitate me and more often than not, I’m not having fun in them. And if I am, libations or tree were probably involved.
One other thing that people who first meet me online are surprised to find out is that I’m short. I’ve been told I have tall girl energy lol. I’m 5’3 physically, but mentally, I’m a good 5’9 and three-quarters.
What’s underneath your smile? You’re always smiling and laughing, it’s so contagious. But I want to know what’s under there.
Okay, so when I was asked this question, I immediately began thinking of what to say and wanting to stop everything and write. And as I get ready to answer, I feel… emotional? I am listening to a jazz playlist, but it was the question that prompted the shift in my mood.
I receive many compliments about my smile. I’m always smiling, even when I don’t necessarily feel like it. I think it’s just another normalized behavior that I do excessively. What’s behind it? Let’s make a list.
A woman who is still scared of “getting it wrong” in life, in love, in parenting, in friendship. There’s a lingering sense of doom, though small, that still has a presence.
A woman who wants to feel good in her body again and wants to like looking at it. No longer being weighed down mentally, she wants to release the physical weight clinging to her as well.
A woman who wants to love again but is still afraid of doing so. She’s still a bit jaded and pessimistic about it, but she’s a lover girl through and through who wants to love and be loved in return.
A woman with a knowing that everything will work out in the end. It has to.
Looking back 10 years, are you where you projected you’d be today, or are you behind schedule? How does that make you feel and would you have your life any other way?
I graduated college exactly ten years ago this past May. Leaving college, I thought ten years in the future, I’d for sure be in a career I loved, making the money I deserved to make, likely owning a home, and likely married to my then-boyfriend. I also thought I’d have life a bit more figured out in general but that was before I learned that we never figure this shit out all the way. I had no dreams of becoming a writer and silenced my inner artist.
If I had the choice, I absolutely would have aspects of my current life changed, but I don’t feel any shame about where my life is. Some days, especially when I see peers achieving certain career and life milestones, I do feel behind. But most days, I am accepting of where I am in life. I am currently my most authentic self, I have the best support system, and life is looking up more each day.
What is the thing (habit, vice, activity, need, desire, etc.) you tend to move everything else around in your life to make space for? What are the implications of this thing being so centered and prioritized in your life? Have other areas of your life been neglected because of it?
This answer was too easy, writing. I feel the call to keep putting pen to paper and fingers to keys louder than ever before. I am constantly thinking about writing. How to write. What to write. When to write. Where to write.
I had to look up the literal definition of “implication.” Not because I don’t know what it means but because I wanted to make sure the definition didn’t include a negative connotation to the word–if that makes sense. I think the biggest implication is that I treat writing like a necessity, a job if you will because it is necessary for my survival. I prioritize investment in and attendance at writing workshops to improve my craft. If there is something happening at the same time as a workshop or writing activity I’ve committed to or want to do, it usually takes precedence. I’ll rearrange my whole schedule to make a class fit.
I wanted to say nothing is neglected because of writing, but when I truly sat and thought on it, I thought of two main areas that sometimes get pushed aside because of writing endeavors. One, time and attention to my daughter when I am on a workshop and she is with me. Sometimes, I’ll let her get extra snacks or let her sit in her room in front of the TV with juice for a couple of hours just so that I can actively participate in a class. And I don’t feel bad about this. Writing keeps me sane, and a sane mommy is better than an overwhelmed and burnt-out mommy. Another area is extended social time in person with friends. Because I’m constantly getting virtual interaction with my writing groups, those can sometimes fill my social cup enough to the point where I am not getting out much or reaching out to spend time with friends. I’ve gotten better at this as my mental health has improved, and I continue to be intentional with the time I spend with friends while I am with them.
Did these questions and answers spark a question for you? Let me know in the comments and I’ll answer there.
Some of my faves..
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Ashleigh!!!! Thank you for this! I’m especially moved by your admission that writing can sometimes mean compartmentalizing life, and that includes motherhood. Thank you for saying you do not feel bad about it either. Many moms need that energy, including myself. We’re people, too.
*Edited for typographically errors
I loved this! ironically, I was thinking about doing something similar for myself. Thank you for opening up in this way!